May I help you?
by ISmile4BTR
Summary: James always liked Kendall, one day they got to get closer to each other in a different way and with that Kendall realized that he had feelings for the brunette as well. But these things happened just when Big Time Rush ended, when their way were about to separate, how could they got together, how could they handle the new feelings coming up inside? Where their ways led them?
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: hey:) some people kept me wondering if our loved boys help each other to masturbate while they are on tour mostly locked in a bus .. well crazy, isn't it? But we have to admit, at least I have to, if someone says things to me I can't stop wondering on them, this case was no different... so If they would do help each other, I think they would have started off like this .. lol I might write a sequel to it since the ending screams for at least one more part of this little adventure :) enjoy Kames :)**

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**"May I help you?"**

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They were four weeks into the tour, Kendall already couldn't decide if it was night or day time, they were always on the bus going through the states and whenever he found a bed or a acceptable place he could lay down on, he threw himself into a deep sleep dreaming about nothing but being on stage and making his dreams come true and wondering where he'd wake up next time. Because when you're always travelling you sometimes forget what your next stop is.

He was tired and exhausted and happy at the same time. Though he was sometimes lonely when his band mates who were also his best friends were not around, he sat by the table in the early morning hours eating his breakfast or just laid in bed without dreamland coming, and then he had time to think of more things than the band, the shows, the road.

He was thinking why he didn't have a girlfriend who maybe could be there sometimes and would wash away his tiredness and loneliness with some nice words, smiles, hugs and some other things a girl would do when they would be alone.

Kendall tried to remember when he had sex last time. Then he realized it was too long ago, actually he forgot about it, living your dream is something what keeps you busy and yeah it happens sometimes that you forget things, things you other times think you'd never forget about since those are important parts of life.

To take his mind off, it was sometime in the middle of the night, he was too lazy to check the time but he knew it wasn't day time since the bus was quiet and tilting his head up from the pillows he saw it was dark outside, he decided to watch a movie.

Kendall was too out of his mind so he didn't really pay attention to it, actually he had no idea what it was all about, some pointless and boring thing he wouldn't be interested in other times either but when a sex scene came up his eyes went wide. That was just too much now when he previously kept thinking about him not having an actual sex life and he quickly turned the movie off.

Taking deep breaths he sat up on the small sized bed and an idea hit his mind. Eventually a girl is not really necessary to give himself some pleasure and with that to forget about his frustration for a while, is it? No, you can do it alone if there is no one else.

Quietly walking out to the bathroom because that was the nearest place with a lot of mirror and fuck, he wanted to see himself, he found it really hot when all the pleasure was visible on someone's face and since he was about to do it alone but he needed a face to stare at filled by the emotions what the action can cause, a mirror sounded good.

Kendall relaxed and leant against the sink and was just about to get his hand into his sweatpants when there was a knock on the door and a voice speaking up, "Kendall? Is that you?" Carlos asked.

Kendall decided to forget this idea for now. He'd be too freaked out that someone would catch him. That would be, well, pretty much awkward.

"Yeah, uh what's up Carlos?" he asked setting his pants right and opening the door.

Carlos shrugged, "just couldn't sleep and heard noises. You couldn't sleep either?"

"Yeah" Kendall scratched the back of his neck. That was one of the things what he hated being all the time on a bus, whenever he wanted he could never be alone. Other times when he desired company everyone was asleep.

"Wanna play video games?" Carlos was curious.

Kendall stepped out of the bathroom, "sure?"

From then they played all night long till their eyes were too tired to stay open when they decided to go to sleep finally.

Snuggling into the sheets Kendall was wondering if he can try again in the morning when the guys take out the dogs or go for a walk or whatever they do when they arrive to a new city. He decided to skip the morning activities this time, at least activities with his friends. He needed to get himself off before he'd go crazy.

Fate seemed to stand on Kendall's side; he woke up from the loud sound of laughter from the kitchen. He walked out tiredly rubbing his eyes; he didn't get much of sleep.

"Oh look Kendall is finally up. Just waited for you" James said, "gonna take the dogs out, wanna come?"

Kendall shook his head, "no, rather stay here to chill. I'll check the city later."

"You sure?" Logan asked. Even if he didn't have any pets he loved to go out with James and Carlos when they were walking Fox and Sydney.

The blonde nodded, "yeah. Have a good time" he yawned and walked towards the end of the bus.

"Let's go then" Carlos said raising up his voice like he'd be the leader.

Kendall waited till they all were gone then attacked the bathroom again. That huge mirror still seemed really attractive to have fun in front of it.

This time never hesitating he stroked himself through the fabric of his sweats, it didn't take much and he hardened underneath the warmth of his palm. Again he leant back to the sink, mirrors in front of him and behind him making it exciting for him, he dragged his pants down to his knees along with his boxers and with that the articles of clothing fell down and hit the floor as they gathered around his ankles. When his ass met with the sink again it was cold but Kendall adjusted quickly and threw his tank top away when it was once off of his upper body.

He then returned his palm to his erecting manhood and using his hand rougher going all the way up and down around his length his pleasure started to grow. Light groans filled the room and quietly echoed between the walls of the tight space and even if he wanted to see himself in the mirror opposite to him, he needed to shut his eyes to picture something, someone, whatever what would help him.

James' voice. "What the fuck?" Kendall cursed out loud stopping with his motions when he heard James in his head. He didn't want to think of James, where the hell did that come from? He wondered and tried to shrug it off but right before he would have returned to pump himself he heard it again. He called out for him, "Kendall?"

That was when the blonde realized James wasn't in his mind, he was grateful for that and mumbled a quick "thank god" but then panicked, "fuck", he'll get caught.

He bent down to pull his pants on but James never caring what he can witness opened the door and saw the half erected Kendall with his sweats halfway up on his knees, "shit" Kendall said turning away and setting the fabric around his waist.

"James, did you not hear about knocking?" Kendall asked frustrated and holding his hand awkwardly on the front of his pants.

James giggled, "did you not hear about locking the door?"

"The lock is broken because of you, don't you remember the other day you broke it?"

"Oh yeah" James laughed, "well, don't feel ashamed, it's okay to do that. You look really cute when you blush you know?"

"James, just let me to finish if I'm already in the middle of it, go away" Kendall motioned towards the door. Instead of leaving James stepped one more to get closer to Kendall.

"What are you doing?" Kendall asked anxious by James unusual expression on his face.

James continued giggling and with that drove Kendall insane. He tried to back into the sink but there was no escape from James coming closer and closer to him.

Kendall tried to avoid his killer hazel eyes he guessed to see something not normal in what he had never seen before and never wanted to know what that does mean but his breath left him in the second his eyes fell on James' front, on the bulge tenting there, to be exact. He knew now what that thing was in James' eyes.

"James," Kendall managed to lead his eyes back to James', the distance between them wasn't more than a few inches, "since when were you outside?"

"I came back because Carlos was worried about you, told that you didn't sleep at night and guessed you might be ill or something. He wanted to come back but I told him to not."

"W-why?" Kendall shaking asked.

James shrugged, "I remember when I had a few days of this state which makes you frustrated lately. I needed time alone. So I figured why you wanted to stay here and from experience I can say, even if these mirrors are insane, nothing can be good enough after a time."

"What do you wanna say?"

"Thought I may help you" James said on a cocky voice.

"No way" Kendall slid out from between James and the sink but never left the room.

James laughed, "I don't want to fuck you or something, just thought we could help each other. Besides if you were so against it, you'd have already left" James said talking to the mirror and seeing that Kendall kept an eye on him, "but you're still here."

Then he turned face to face with him again, "come on. It's boring alone. If it would be good now, next time it would be less good and then it would be really boring. If you have someone it's more fun."

James teased in that deep voice of his and got rid of his shirt showing off his perfectly curved chest.

Kendall started to think about it. Eventually it wouldn't hurt anyone and James can look fucking hot when he comes. Kendall once, really only once was wondering how that can look like and now that image again showed up in his head.

"Fuck" Kendall said shoving his pants again down to his knees and revealing his now much bigger excitement, "let's do this."

With that he returned to his original place and was against the sink again and grabbed a hand around his base whilst watched James peeling himself out from the tight jeans he always loved to wear and the boxer briefs were down too within seconds.

Kendall now clearly could see that James was the same frustrated as he was.

James with his back against the opposite wall with a groan grabbed his erection and with the help of continuously fastening pumps he made himself quickly forgetting about the cold mirror behind him.

"Shit" Kendall moaned, "that's fucking hot" he breathed hardly and forced himself to watch James how his cheeks got red by the heat and his dick in his hand began to leak.

"I know" James laughed and brushed his thumb on the tip just to feel his pre-cum making his finger sticky.

Kendall tilted his head back into the glass and groaned by the time he got fully erected too and fucked into his fist harder than he ever did before.

Soon Kendall opened his eyes because he guessed James' groans coming from somewhat closer than before and he surprised recognized that the brunette was again in front of him. His hand worked hard still, now he couldn't stop, he didn't care whatever James did, and James was glad to see that and taking advantage of it, he scooted closer again and once a bolt of shock rushed through both of James and Kendall when James tip touched Kendall's.

It was something they had never experienced before and honestly it never came up even in their wildest dreams either but fuck it was awesome. None of them backed off, rather they tried to buck closer to each other in the hope of their dicks would meet again.

They locked eyes and tightened their grips in their fisting moves and there was it again. A random moment when both of them gave into it a little bit more and they hit against one another.

James' knees went weak as he was getting too close to the end, he needed something to lean on, without thinking he rested his head onto Kendall's shoulder. The sweaty and hot skin of Kendall's met with James heated cheeks, his brunette locks dripped sweat onto Kendall and the blonde couldn't handle the closeness, he felt the need to touch James.

But still he tried to push this thought back in his mind, too bad James' loud groans straight into his ears didn't help, nor their cocks' never ending need to meet over and over again.

Then Kendall settling his thoughts recognized it already was insane so a little bit more really didn't matter. Plus the fact that James dared to come this close somewhat made Kendall suspect that he secretly desired to be touched, so getting his free hand into action too he slid it between their bodies and wrapped it around James.

The brunette smirked in his satisfaction and to return the favor he used his own free hand to touch Kendall. It was already too much for both of them, Kendall breathed to James' bare shoulder and winced when he felt James' lips on his collar bone. It was again something foreign but he'd be lying if he said he didn't love it.

Then it was gone. James getting his strength and knowing that they were both close to the final point wanted to see Kendall's eyes. Their hands being rough and fast on themselves and on each other and climbing up to their highs James tried to gather his thoughts, "Kendall" he said slowing down and brushing their dicks together again, "wanna kiss you so bad" James spat out and took a strong grip around Kendall's base whilst his fingertips touched the blonde's balls to frustrate him even more.

Kendall shook his head, "no" and was about to finish very soon. He challenged against James but James didn't give up seeing the blonde's eyes wished for it more than anything.

"Please, fuck" James groaned as he felt another jolt of pleasure waving through his spine only by the thought of Kendall's delicious lips on his own ones, "they look so, uhm" the brunette bit on his bottom lip before finishing the sentence, "attractive, soft, delicious" every word was followed by a moan from James' mouth.

Kendall was too badly in a pleasure to say no to the begging James so he nodded and in that second James lips was stuck on Kendall's. They sucked on each other's pink flesh and then in a brief second when Kendall opened his mouth to catch some air James shoved his tongue into his mouth. Kendall didn't protest but twirled his tongue with James' and tasted the morning coffee on it.

Their tongue battle was only more to the already burning fire and they came together painting one another's stomach and their palms white with the product of their pleasure. They kissed each other through their orgasms then loosened their grip around their cocks and James backed away.

He sat on the edge of the tub in all but his own sweat and their mixed comes all over his abdomen and hand and was trying hard to get his senses back.

Kendall was doing the same trying to bury himself in the mirror behind his back and eyeing James waiting for anything to be told.

There was nothing but silence when Kendall lifted himself off the sink and started the water. He washed the dirt off and without turning around he knew James did the same using the shower head.

Then they sat there keeping a tight eye-contact and at a point they both let themselves to laugh out loud.

"That was hot" James commented when he got some breath and watched Kendall brushing some tears away which came into his eyes by the hard laughter.

"Pretty much" Kendall replied and grabbed their clothes off the floor. Tossing James' towards him he said, "it really was way better than if I would have done it all by myself" and gathered his pants in his hand to put it on.

"Told you it would be," James said and put his shirt on, "though, never thought it can be this good" he admitted.

Kendall hummed, "yeah."

"I think we should do it again, shall we?" James wanted to know again sitting on the edge of the bathtub this time already dressed.

Kendall looked down to the floor then back at James, "sure, sometimes, every now and then."

"Often" James said, "with more kissing, maybe."

"Maybe" Kendall said voice picturing uncertainty about the kissing part, "we're ridiculous, aren't we?"

"Why?"

Kendall laughed, "if we need sex, millions of girls would kill for a chance, you know, and we are here getting each other off."

"True but hey," James got on his feet and walked up to Kendall, placing a hand on the blonde's shoulder he said, "we're in a boyband, what else you expect?"

Kendall stood up too, "fair enough" they exchanged a smile and then decided to go out but before James opened the door Kendall spoke, "but we're not the only band members dude."

James laughed, "as much as you were against it in the first place, now your fantasy is working, huh?"

"Ha yeah, is that bad?"

"Nope that's great. More fun, actually. Maybe next time we can do that too. Now let's go and let them know that you're okay" James said and they walked out of the bus looking for the other two guys, both of James and Kendall's mind already thinking about that certain next time.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: hi :) as I promised here is an update on one of my actual stories.. well it's not long but ends in a very good point lol you have got to wait for more, though I'm already working on it you know it takes time to get it ready...**

**it's started off as a one-shot but then James was yelling my face off that I don't want to give him what he needed (that is obviously Kendall lol) so here I am writing this and want this to be something bigger, better, something what I hope everyone would enjoy who reads...**

**********I don't want to talk your ears off.. read it and decide if you are still interested or not... I understand however you choose .. well much love and thanks for reading! i love you, yes YOU!  
p.s.: thanks to Irina for beta-ing everything for me.. the link to her profile is in my profil lol **

**********...and also.. i'm sorry for "killing" Big Time Rush... I really am..**

**********and one last thing because I'm just unable to shut up: I don't know own anything you might recognize...**

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**- Chapter – 2**

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Their last show was finished; they were on their way home. In one bus again. Gathering every one of their belongings, puppies, and memories and sitting in the little living area of Kendall and Logan's bus.

"I can't believe it's over. Now really. No more Big Time Rush."James sighed, Fox in his lap sleeping peacefully not even recognizing how big of a heart-ache his owner just had.

Kendall took a quick glance at James but was unable to stare at him for too long; instead he rolled his eyes and scooted aside to get farther from him.

Logan, on James' other side sighed even longer than James did a moment ago, "well, it really is over, so we have got to believe it and move on. That's great that we've taken it this far, isn't it?"

Carlos joined, "yeah, it is. When we started off from Minnesota, who would have thought?"

"No one." Kendall said. "But we did it. We believed in it, we helped each other and now our ways probably are going to separate."

"We'll be in touch though, right?" Carlos asked, always worried that he would lose his best friends, didn't matter if they'd gone through this or some kind of similar conversation a thousand times since they figured that this actual tour was their last.

James reached over Logan's shoulder to grip Carlos', "you know we will, Carlos." His wide smile comforted Carlos, "besides, we all are going to stay in LA, right? So just try to keep me away."

Kendall chuckled.

"What?" James turned to him.

"You know that I'm still not sure. I might go back to hockey. I love singing. But I love singing with you all. Without you guys, it would be … strange, different, boring, I'd be sad."

"So instead you leave us so we can't even hang out?" Logan snapped at the blonde.

Kendall shrugged, "we can't stick together forever. We all have dreams, don't you guys remember?"

"Yes, but by now our dreams somewhat mashed together." Carlos said disappointed.

"I know Carlos," Kendall went to the other end of the couch so he could squeeze himself in next to the Latino, "but I'm not sure yet. I just … I'm saying that I'm thinking about it because if there is no BTR, I don't know what else to do than playing hockey."

"Uh Kendall," James stood up placing Fox down back on the couch next to Logan, "come and talk for a bit okay?"

Kendall did go, even if he didn't really want to get near James on their own, he did go.

They ended up in the back of the bus where their beds were. "It's because you want to get away from me, right?"

"It is not. It's that I want to get away from everyone for a little while so I can figure something out, what to do with myself without you all around me." Kendall defended himself.

"You didn't let me kiss you since then." James stated.

"So?" Kendall shrugged looking anywhere but at James.

"That was two months ago, since then we did do that only once and you didn't let me kiss you. You never tell me why, why don't you talk to me?"

"James. I didn't let you because I don't want anything to happen. That was fun, we had a great time together, but I don't like you that way, I don't want … you to like me that way. If you want to kiss me, that means you do like me and I don't want that, understand?"

"Why don't you want that? You're afraid of people finding it out?"

"Finding what out?"

"That … I don't know."

"See? There is nothing."

"Just because you don't let it happen."

"I don't want it to happen, okay? You'll start a carrier all by yourself. I'll do something with myself. Nobody knows where we end up and I don't want to get ourselves into unnecessary heart-aches."

"Okay. But we can still hang out, can't we? Why do you want to run away, from me, from your best friends? I'll stay away then, just don't do it, not yet."

"I'll think about it." With that Kendall turned around and went back to Logan and Carlos. James stayed there and wondered when he started to like Kendall this much that his denying words caused coldness running through his entire body, brought him such pain.

They soon settled down back on the couches and talked quietly all the way home. None of them slept a minute but they kept bringing back memories from the last 4 years. 4 years of Big Time Rush, 4 years, the last years of their teenage years, 4 years of hard work, brother love and much fun.

James, sometimes when Kendall was speaking, got lost in the sight of this beautiful blonde angel in front of him and it took him long minutes to snap back into reality and be able to join the conversation.

James didn't exactly know when he'd started to grow feelings for Kendall but he knew now that he shouldn't have started to let Kendall know this with helping him the other morning in the bathroom. Nor kissing him just like that in that situation. There was another time when they got themselves off together, they did some touching and sucked gently on each others' neck being careful to not leave bruises, but then James gave up on trying to get closer to Kendall.

It was just too much what he was giving and also expecting and obviously Kendall didn't want it. He let James come close, to have fun with him, to kiss him once but it was probably just because he could see how much James needed it. More than Kendall himself. He was going too far, James knew it. It wasn't the right way to do things and if he already had done them, he should have told Kendall why exactly he did what he did.

But whenever he tried Kendall always pushed him away. True, they were busy and when they had some time to get some air they mostly wanted to be alone, sleeping or taking a walk but not being around one another. They needed some privacy after months of being locked up together.

James understood it perfectly. The problem was that tiny spark in Kendall's eyes which hid so well that James only could see it if he really deeply watched. That spark was saying that Kendall wanted something, too. He was just scared.

Because even if it was always Kendall having the biggest mouth to everyone, it was him, too, who got scared sometimes even easier than Logan did. All of his fears were coming from his love for his brothers. James knew that and Kendall now said it. That he wanted to save them from a lot of pain.

But how you can save yourself from pain if with your actions you cause even more and deeper pain? What kind of way is that to solve the actual problem?

In a few hours they were back in LA. Due to the lots of money they'd done in the past years they didn't live in Palm Woods already, all of them had their own apartments in the city- which they barely used anyway.

But now that they were home, they were going to need it and they were grateful for it.

Kendall and Logan were living in the same apartment complex. Kendall's flat on the third floor, Logan's on the first. They got off the bus, carried their stuff, James and Carlos helping both of them. Once they were done they were standing on the sidewalk. It was dark night still but they weren't so far from morning already.

"Then, time to say good bye to this bus." Logan sighed looking over James' shoulder to admire the huge bus what was their home for months when they were on road. Though they had the other one, too, it was the one which they started off with and they looked at it always as a part of BTR, a part of their lives, a part of something which wasn't anymore. They'd spent most of their time together in that bus, they only went over to the other one to sleep, but not every night. They refused to leave the side of James and Carlos. Instead they slept on the uncomfortable couches and lived with their puppies rather than being separated.

But now. Time to separate.

"We don't have to say good bye to each other though." James stepped up to Logan and hugged him friendly. "Try to sleep and be good till we see one another again. Okay?"

"Okay." Logan breathed. "Like tomorrow?" they laughed.

"Whenever we feel like it." James said stepping back next to Carlos.

Carlos was looking down at the ground. Though he didn't see much. "See you guys soon. Already miss having you around all day, every day and singing and being on road and stuff. You know."

Kendall quickly rushed up to fold Carlos into a tight embrace. "Hey 'Litos, you know it's not over. We're going to be around one another as much as we can and we're going to have fun as we always do. Just now, no more singing together. But we'll be fine, I promise."

"You won't leave us then?" Carlos asked looking up at Kendall, head still pressed hardly into the blonde's chest.

Kendall swallowed and tried to make himself believe that James didn't stick his eyes on him and his ears on every word leaving his mouth, though he knew it was just the way James did. "I'd never leave any of you. I'd go away for a while but I'd be back, always. But no, I'm not going now, okay?"

"Thanks." Carlos said sniffing and then pulling apart. Logan stepped up to Carlos, they whispered a few words about meeting soon, hugged each other and then separated.

The time what Carlos and Logan spent together talking and saying their goodbyes, James and Kendall locked eyes in the dark night. There was that thing again what James guessed seeing before in Kendall's eyes. Kendall didn't want to go, he didn't want to say good bye. He wanted to pull James in and say that they would work it out but he held himself back and that single spark was the only thing showing that his heart wished the opposite thing than what he was doing.

James thought during the last months that it was Kendall's reason. That he just knew if he gave in again to a kiss or to a tight cuddle, he would have lost it. He would have let himself go with the stream. But Kendall refused to oblige to that need.

Kendall and his hard headed stupid way of thinking.

James needed to get over it. As Kendall said there wasn't anything between them yet. Nothing but some tension which pushed them towards each other but since Kendall rather stepped back then willed to get closer to James, it didn't lead anywhere. That spark was probably never gonna light up as a fire if they wouldn't ever do anything with it, if they wouldn't even try to grow it.

Kendall didn't want it.

James wasn't sure either if he wanted or if it was just some curiousity now that he knew he was gonna get away from his best friends, and he wanted some kind of bond to remain.

They agreed they wouldn't forget each other but nobody knew what could come. As quickly as Big Time Rush had happened, anything else would come, too with the same suddenness and then they would get farther from their brothers.

James wanted to hold onto something. He wanted Kendall to see it and to not be scared of it.

But nothing worked. He didn't work on it too much though but if Kendall would have wanted it then it already could have happened.

James needed to get over with it. James needed to continuously remind himself that he just wanted this thing to keep Kendall close. He knew he couldn't do it. Kendall wanted to start his own life and James remembered that it was his plan, too. He soon was gonna start his own carrier and for some reason he knew it was the other thing why Kendall didn't give in. It probably wouldn't do anything good to his solo carrier if they would find out that he was gay and in love with his old band mate. Even if later they would accept it, for a start it wasn't the best thing.

James kind of hated that everyone was thinking for him. He was already able to think on his own. He knew what could and what could not happen, he knew all the ifs and buts and still everyone kept reminding him, listing him what to and what not to do if he wants to reach something on his own.

He understood that they wanted his well-being but for God's sake he wasn't 16 anymore. They should just leave it all on him. He would work it out, would work everything out.

He didn't need Kendall telling him that people would judge him for his feelings and he was grateful that Kendall barely said anything to him; instead he just aimed at things lightly. Still annoying but way better than Logan often getting carried away and lecturing about do's and don'ts when he would be out there alone.

It was just the same now, too, when Kendall denied his closeness, his attempts, simply saying that he wanted to save them from pain. He didn't say anything concrete but let James see a nice piece of his mind by letting him in just a little bit with a few words.

"Bye James. See you soon." Kendall said waving and turning slowly around, Logan followed after waving his own good byes.

James sighing murmured some kind of "bye" but didn't even try to keep him back for one more moment.

"Are you okay?" Carlos asked James once they were up on the bus again and headed to Carlos' apartment first.

James nodded, "sure, why?"

"You don't look like that. Now that I can study you better… I see something is not okay and of course I know what it is but you look like you are more in pain than you first seemed."

"I'm gonna miss this. You know if my carrier takes off and I might be touring I will be alone. Gonna be weird."

"Sure that's all?" Carlos wanted to know and caressed Sydney's head.

James looked down at his own puppy in his lap and said, "yes. Are you okay?"

"Yeah." Carlos said and when he started to talk James relieved that he wasn't gonna ask more about his well-being. Carlos often could see if something wasn't right with his brothers and usually he didn't let it go until he wouldn't find out what it was. But now, probably because of the natural sadness which made everything a bit foggier around them, Carlos let it go.

He was talking about going back to school, art school, how much he'd waited it even if it meant the end of the BTR times. His dream about standing on stage in the theater seemed to come true since a few weeks ago he got his result from his preliminary audition. He was sad about BTR but happy that he finally got a chance and can train himself to a real actor.

James listened and listened and the sight of this somewhat satisfied and beyond excited Carlos warmed his heart. His brother was happy, just like him in the door of his dreams ready to step in and start something alone for the first time in his life.

James hoped he was gonna be able to find his happiness in his singing career, the happiness over the sadness and then he would be fine as Carlos was. And as probably Logan was and as probably Kendall was, too.

Whatever they would decide to do, all of them hoped for happiness and for their best friends and brothers to be there for them.

Carlos was at home in a few minutes, he said his goodbyes to James and walked into the apartment where he hadn't stepped into for months.

James watched him disappearing behind the door that led to the lobby and then he got back to the bus, to Fox and to his own thoughts.

Fox seemed excited, like he knew that they were soon gonna be at home again so he kept James busy, asked for attention and didn't really let James get lost in thoughts. They were at his house in a few moments.

Approaching the front door, Fox walking next to him and the driver helping with the suitcases, James wondered where this year had gone to. Where everything had gone to.

James stripped his clothes off and took care of Fox, then climbed into bed. He was just about to drop out when his phone rang somewhere in the room. Somewhere in the pocket of his jeans which were laying on the floor in a corner. With a groan James woke up again and looked for the phone.

He was way too sleepy and blind to check the ID so he just picked it up before his eyes would have burn out from their place by the sudden lightness.

"Diamond." He replied.

"Knight." The other voice was almost the same sleepy but hearable and James' eyes went wide as he heard the name. He replaced his phone from his ear and narrowing his eyes he saw it was indeed Kendall who called.

"Why are you calling Kendall? Is everything okay?"

"No. Nothing is okay." Kendall answered.

"What? How do you mean that? Fuck, Kendall what's wrong?" James asked worried and already gathered his clothes and was trying to get them on so he could go over to Kendall to check on him.

"The last two months have been hell without you touching me and now that I'm here alone, you're nowhere close to me, it's even worse. I miss you James. I already do."

"I'm going to be there in a half hour." James hung up and yanked his shirt over his head then put on his jeans. He quickly took a look at Fox; he couldn't leave him there so grabbing the little sleeping puppy he was on his way to Kendall.

Part of him was happy that Kendall took this step but another part of him knew it probably wasn't going to last long. Afterwards Kendall would start to create excuses again and James now jumping on his word only made everything even worse. Later he would regret it. But he couldn't stand hearing Kendall's sad voice.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: hi : ) been a while but not too long ago so it's just the right time to post this...**

**i honestly say i love it... i love how it's going even though i don't exactly know where it's going ... lol it's going somewhere i promises : )**

**James wasn't ready... and i wasn't either.. that's why things happened how they actually happened.. you will see it below... **

**enjoy reading, review me please! i'm dying here because i see that so many people keeps visiting this fic and i get only a few reviews... don't leave me hanging please...**

**thanks for all the sweet words, follows and favorites, you make me smile and my heart warms by all the love i get :) **

**and last but not least, thanks to Irina who beta-s me :) link to her profile is in my profil : ) love, and Kames...**

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**-Chapter 3-**

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"Hi." Kendall opened the door to James and spotting Fox in his arms he reached out to pet the little puppy's head. James stepped in and kicked his shoes off at the door, then got rid of his jacket, too and put Fox down so he could go and find a place to rest while James would talk to Kendall.

James guessed it could be the reason of Kendall's call. He wanted to talk. Or something else? James wouldn't challenge if so.

Kendall headed to the living room and sat down on the couch; legs pulled up crossed underneath him and was waiting for James to take a seat as well.

James settled down next to Kendall, put up the same position, they were face to face. "What's wrong?" he asked.

Kendall shrugged. "I'm sorry."

It was everything that Kendall said before leaning quickly forward and pressing his lips against James'.

James immediately lifted his arms and locked them around Kendall's neck so if the blonde wanted he wouldn't have escaped so easily. Luckily James didn't need to worry about Kendall leaving when he found himself pushed down onto the couch on its full length with Kendall between his spread legs.

"I'm sorry." Kendall mumbled again brushing James' lips and leading his palms up on his bare torso once when he somewhat tucked up the brunette's shirt.

James didn't know why Kendall was saying sorry-s all the time but in that situation he couldn't really focus on thinking about possible answers.

Though he had an almost certain assumption. Somehow he could get his brain to work and remembered what he was thinking about on his way to Kendall. _He said he misses me. He wants me. But if he says sorry .. well that can mean that he is sorry for pushing me away in the last couple of weeks or it can mean that he's going to take advantage on my feelings and then again he would leave me down._

Or both options.

But how could James resist? When this sex God in with Kendall's amazingness was kneeling between his legs and was kissing him all over his mouth and neck and touching him in places where James - before knowing Kendall - never had wanted any guy to touch him.

James was aware of Kendall's intentions. Part of him happy that Kendall wanted him, other part of him blamed himself for making a move on him months ago. James knew he was gonna get hurt.

But he let Kendall in.

"What are you doing to me?" Kendall asked rising up and grabbing the hem of his shirt. Once it was off their eyes met again, James swallowed and shook his head.

"You drive me crazy." Kendall bent over the brunette again and kissed his neck stretching the collar of his shirt to get more space. With his other hand he worked up James' shirt, then once he parted again and James, sitting up, gave the opportunity for Kendall to take the annoying cloth off.

Kendall never hesitated, he couldn't wait to see James' bare chest again. Since their last and only second adventure in the bathroom, Kendall had refused to look at James. He was always scared that he would lose it just like he did now.

But now the lack of James' company around forced Kendall to make a move, he couldn't deal with the brunette being far from him for a long time anymore. He needed James to be around and if he was already there he just couldn't stand it. Now they were alone, nobody was gonna interrupt, they could do whatever they wanted.

The question is what did they want?

Neither James nor Kendall had sex with guys before. They didn't even fix the status of their sexuality after getting closer to each other.

As Kendall realized it didn't matter if he said a million sorry-s he'd hurt James either way, he pulled apart and stood up quickly. He turned so James didn't see his face, he only saw as Kendall was messing with his hair, probably eating himself what to do.

James pushed himself off the couch and was on his feet behind Kendall. He sneaked his arms around Kendall's torso. He felt warm and soft underneath his touch and yet he was shaking. To comfort Kendall, James placed little kisses on the line of his spine. Kendall's responses were quiet groans while he slid his hands down onto James' as they were locked tightly around him.

"It's okay. I need it too." James murmured heading slowly down then back up till he was at Kendall's neck just a little bit under his hairline. Following the blonde strands he went up to Kendall's right ear and kissed him there, too. He remembered that the other time Kendall loved when he licked him there, behind his earlobe.

He remembered well. Kendall held onto James arms even tighter, he literally squeezed James hands to a point where it almost hurt but James didn't mind it. He loved that Kendall wanted him closer to himself.

Kendall turned and then James lips stuck onto his chest. Kendall only stared at him then after a couple of minutes like that, dealing with the feeling of James' hot, burning lips on his skin, he lifted his hands up and messed with James' hair. The strands felt so soft, Kendall felt the urge to lean down and smell onto them. He did so and groaned as he sensed that amazing scent flooding out of James' beautiful brunette hair.

"James." Kendall breathed tugging on the hair between his fingers. James groaned as Kendall's pull got stronger but he still loved it and refused to stop kissing the blonde's chest. Just when once again Kendall frustrated groaned his name, he looked up and met with the pair of green eyes.

"I'm not going to do this." Kendall said, his thumbs caressing James' cheeks.

James frowned. "What are you not going to do?"

"Us."

James closed his eyes and placed his head onto Kendall's strong shoulder. After a soft kiss onto the skin underneath his face, James whispered, "doesn't matter."

It did matter but James was already too deeply into all the sensations than he could have said no.

Kendall then without saying more headed towards his bedroom, James' hand tightly clasped with his so the brunette was following him. Once they were inside Kendall turned on some lights which gave a quite dusky mood to the room where nobody had slept since Kendall had left for tour. Maybe it was the reason of the unusual tidiness.

"How should we do it?" Kendall asked. They were standing in front of each other in the middle of the room, both staring at the untouched but freshly made bed then back at each other.

James shrugged. "I'm not going to do it without lubrication."

"I see. I wouldn't do it either." Kendall said. "But I'm prepared."

"What?"

"After…you and me did those things I was wondering..not for too long but a little bit and got some lube..If you want to.. we can do it.. if you don't … then we can go with the usual." Kendall mumbled looking over at the night stand where the certain tube was placed.

James swallowing closed his eyes again. _Is it worth this much? Giving myself to him when I know in advance he would throw me away.._

Then James remembered his earlier determination in the living room. Kendall almost backed off but he assured him that he didn't mind if they go along. And now when once he gave his hopes up, should he leave Kendall down? Kendall would be sad, even sadder than he looked now. James didn't want to see the sad Kendall, mainly because he knew he would be the reason of Kendall's mood. But then again, it was mutual. If James would do it for Kendall's well being then James would be the one suffering. Kendall knew it, said sorry, asked for forgiveness and James said it would be all right whatever they do. Now he just couldn't back off. If he did than Kendall probably would never want to see him again. James couldn't hurt Kendall. No. James couldn't do that. And on the other hand, he really didn't mind it, not at all. He needed it, he wanted it, he wanted Kendall. He didn't lie when he said that earlier.

James leant forward and touched Kendall's lips and meanwhile they kissed he went to unbuckle his own belt and his fly. Kendall sensed that James was moving so once when they parted he looked down and smirked at the sight. James pants open, revealing the bulge behind the fabric of the tight, black boxer briefs and still hanging on James' hips in a fucking sexy way.

They stepped aside from each other and both of them climbed out of their remaining clothes. Then Kendall moved up to James again and closed his face in between his hands whilst pressed a hard kiss onto his lips. He tried to keep himself away for a little while but his insides led his every movement, he wanted to feel James against his own skin. So still during their kiss Kendall moved forward and their erections rubbed against one another.

Both Kendall and James groaned into the kiss by the sudden interaction – memories came into their minds and remembering how good it felt to touch each other the last time, they knew it only could be better this time, with more.

James slowly backed toward the bed, Kendall followed him, the connection between their lips never ceased, rather than that it got only deeper and felt only better, more delicious, more passionate, more caring.

Soon Kendall was hovering above the brunette, they rocked against one another, their cocks got harder, the sensations were more intense, the kisses made this effect. They both knew, Kendall, too, that with kisses it seemed more real, deeper and it was the reason of him not letting James kiss him more than once. Kisses had such effect on both of them that neither of them could have explained but they knew it meant much, so much.

In spite of the kisses, Kendall's sweet caring and far-seeing with all the preparations and the million sorry-s in advance, James wasn't fully calmed. He broke the kiss and pushed Kendall gently away. Kendall frowned down at the boy beneath him.

James could see the fears gathering on Kendall's face so after closing his eyes for a second he pulled Kendall back, so their lips crushed together again. Kendall went even more careful this time, he didn't know if it was him doing something that stopped James for a moment, so he wanted to make it even more perfect for James.

James melted into the way how Kendall treated him with only kisses. He knew from the first moment their lips touched that he would always love to feel this, and now he was even surer of that. But then again. It's just occasional, it would be over soon and sadness would take over James after having all of this that Kendall offered when later he wouldn't have a thing. _Do it for him. _James encouraged himself and slid his arms lower on Kendall's back.

As he reached his behind he pulled Kendall even deeper against him. They groaned in unison and Kendall realized it was time for him as well to make a movement. So he went to grip James' hip on one side then pulled backward a bit so some space happened to be between their bodies – with that Kendall could reach James' throbbing erection.

James arched his back from the bed when Kendall's fist tightened around him. He needed to turn his head away to catch some air, so their kiss was broken once again.

Kendall grabbed the moment to reach aside and get the lube but he didn't miss the heavy sigh leaving James' mouth.

"Are you okay?" Kendall asked.

James swallowing said, "I don't know. I mean I want it but … isn't it too much at all one time? I mean we've been going slowly, haven't even kissed just once and now this…" he looked at the tube in Kendall's hand.

Kendall blinked and tossed it back on the night stand. "We won't do that then…but this…" and as he said 'this' he gave James' cock a light squeeze, then started to move on him up and down.

James bit on his lip and pushed his head deeper into Kendall's pillow, groans continuously escaped his mouth. Kendall was more than delighted to witness all of the happenings. He kissed the brunette's neck, his hand moved on him faster and rougher, giving into it a little more with every touch, wanting to give everything but still being scared of the future.

They planned it all. He wanted to go back to hockey, it was everything he wanted, to find himself again because without making music with his best friends and brothers his life wouldn't be the same. Hockey could somewhat fulfill the emptiness, could compensate. And James, there was his solo carrier only a step away now. They just couldn't do this now, why now? Why not sooner? Why not never? _No. Fuck. You know you love it._ Kendall's mind worked as he was about to make James come. He knew he loved it, he loved James from the very beginning, he just couldn't see it. Now it was so complicated, they couldn't be together. People would expect something else from then, after all the years they were successful what it would be like if they came out together. No. But for now, James was all Kendall's and Kendall was all James'.

James wanted to think, too – he sensed that Kendall was doing the same. He knew his expressions really well, he knew the face he looked at him with now. But on the other hand he wanted to push all the thoughts out of his head and to focus on only the treat that Kendall was giving him. He wanted to feel it now knowing that it probably would be the last time and he also knew that with thinking sooner or later he would get to a point where he would regret that he denied having actual sex with Kendall. This way he couldn't have all of Kendall and if nothing was ever gonna happen between them again then it would be fine, it's a good memory, somehow he would get over it, he would forget all the feelings he had for Kendall.

But on the other side, knowing that it's the only time he could have thought about him being an idiot for refusing to have everything. And James didn't want to get to that point because he guessed if it turned in his mind again he would tell Kendall to do it, to do everything.

And with not doing everything now a little tiny spark of hope still could remain in James that Kendall would call him another night, too, then another one again and so on. So soon Kendall would realize that they could make it. James hoped.

Though he wanted to feel Kendall inside of him, it was now enough to get to their highs together with each other's help, with something more than before but still with something less than they could actually do.

James just didn't want to lose Kendall.

He didn't want Kendall to fuck him into the morning and then throw him out. He didn't want Kendall to get used to it, that he could call whenever he needed his closeness. He wanted to draw limits so he assured Kendall that it wasn't only him playing at the game. How Kendall had needs, James had his own as well.

Now James let it happen to show Kendall that he didn't want to hurt him with having feelings for him, he wanted only good to come out of this. Now James let it happen to try to make Kendall see what he would miss if he wouldn't try it. James let it happen even though he knew all the time that he was going to be the one getting hurt. It was always Kendall who had gotten over with everything sooner and easier. But James let it happen, he needed it, their needs crossed each others' ways in this thing.

Their needs, the want came to take over and James suddenly remembered that he barely touched Kendall. He slid one hand between them and they worked on one another together, their eyes opened the entire time, their lips sometimes meeting in a slow kiss, the finish was above the expected.

They released together and closed their action with more warm kisses not even caring with the mess that somewhat stuck them by their stomachs and thighs.

But however much they both wanted it, they couldn't kiss for ever and when the kiss would end it would be over. With heavy heart though, but they separated. Kendall climbed off James and went to the bathroom for a cloth leaving James in his bed.

James blew out a long breath and stared to the direction where Kendall was. The light came into the semi dark bedroom from the now lightened bathroom and as Kendall re-appeared it was like an angel standing in the door. The light curved around his perfect body in his glorious nakedness and a sad smile sat on his face when he reached for the switch.

The lights were gone and Kendall was approaching the bed and James again. They didn't say a word but Kendall handed the cloth to James.

The brunette boy scooted up and cleaned himself, Kendall stared in front of himself waiting for James to finish. When he was done, James gave the fabric back to Kendall. Kendall didn't even look at James when he took it and then tossed it to a corner of the room. He aimed the bathroom door but missed it and then he was lazy to get up and take to its place.

Rolling his eyes Kendall climbed over James, their eyes didn't meet but they both sighed. Kendall yanked the covers out from underneath the two of them and they quietly snuggled up against one another.

They had never slept in one bed before. They had never rested their heads on one another's chest before, they had never had so many kisses a night before, and they had never thought they could get here before.

And they had no idea how to go any further.

They both wanted their relationship to turn out serious but also they both were scared and unsure. James understood Kendall's feelings, it was a huge thing going on between them, it wasn't easy to work it out but he still wanted to try it and he already knew tomorrow was going to be one of the hardest days ever.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Hello :) oh I know it's been too long ago.. a huge sorry here.. but I have been so busy with school lately that I have not had time to write anything.. but now.. after a rough period here it is... wow.. I just now did it.. a bit of it this Tuesday at school.. lol and the rest just now.. and I actually really like how it is going.. though it's not going the way I planned when I finished chapter 3.. lol but have I ever done something the way I had planned? No.. of course.. so it's still me.. lol at least we all know that.. **

**this chapter isn't beta-d for the above mentioned reason.. I just now wrote it and I don't want to drag it along so I just post it and I will fix any mistake I discover, later..**

**it's a bit of shorter (a few hundreds of words.. ) but it's because after this we're going to go along in the plot and I didn't want to get started in it and then leaving you hanging in the middle of something that I don't even know about yet... lol so I'll figure it out by the time I update my other stories as well.. so yeah.. shorter but.. wow... hot! haha and detailed... **

**thank you all for reviewing and following and favoriting and all... lol I love you! So much! For liking this thing even tho it's not what it's started off like.. lol keep up reading.. I have big plans for this.. : ) **

**oh and read my other stories : ) OC-s and stuff like this but yet other plot of course.. thank you if you do : )**

**well, leaving you reading now.. I know I'm annoying when I speak so much.. ah forgive meeeeeeeeeee and read and review :) i'll love you for ever if you tell me what you think!**

**love and Kames ;)**

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**- Chapter 4 -**

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Kendall woke with the first rays of the sun as they were reflecting from the windows. He loved the light, it was so clean and it always helps to see things you other times wouldn't see. He was wondering what to do now. He looked aside. There was James, gorgeous and peacefully sleeping and Kendall knew that the brunette probably was having rough dreams in the fear of the future.

Kendall didn't want to cause him pain. Rather than that he wanted to love him but it seemed so impossible to make. James' carrier was about to take off, now that Big Time Rush was over, and Kendall had planned going back to the ice.

The blonde with a quiet blow of air turned toward James and touched his cheek with his fingertips. He caressed the soft tanned skin, and James didn't even stiff. He was deeply asleep. _Maybe you're dreaming about us together. I don't want to wake you up from that beautiful world into this one, which is nothing such amazing as that dream can be. Sleep, sleep fast darling._

He didn't move, remained quiet to make sure that James wouldn't wake till the right time comes. Kendall was just watching James and kept wondering.

He did not feel ashamed because of all the feelings he had for James, he was happy that James wanted him, he knew that James would give him all of those things that he had ever desired. He was scared of himself. That he would not be able to give those things to James, that he'd fail loving him, that he'd cause disappointment and sorrow.

"Creepy." James' yawned and Kendall sighed laughing softly, he refused to cease his touch on James' skin. He loved touching that perfection.

"Slept well?"

James nodded, "was wondering you whether leave me here or not."

"I'm still here." Kendall whispered.

James pulled his hand out of under the cover and positioned it above Kendall's cheek, just the way Kendall was caressing James, James started caressing Kendall. "I see." He said as his hand started to move on Kendall's pale skin. "Thank you."

Kendall hummed.

"I don't like waking up alone either, so I thought I shouldn't do it to you, leaving you here."

"And now that I'm awake ... " James voice trailed off thinking about the following thing, "it's over?"

Kendall rolled his eyes and sighed again.

James then moved away and turned with his back to Kendall. Now the sun was shining straight into his face. _It must be beautiful outside. Wish we could go outside holding hands and happily, in our own world._

"James, we need to sort it out." Kendall said whispering onto James' neck, trying to seduce him back to the lovely eye-contact they shared a moment ago.

"You must make a choice, Kendall." James sighed closing his eyes, the sun was shining too intense.

"I know. Come here." The blonde softly gripped James' bicep and turned him on his back.

James looked at him in the eye, Kendall was leaning on his elbow closely next to him with one palm on his chest caressing that little area where James had not shaven in a long while apparently, and the hair tickled Kendall's pale fingers.

James waited and waited patiently for a single word or an action from Kendall but there was nothing. Nothing but the uncertainty deep behind the green eyes but James could see it very clearly. And despite of this insecurity of Kendall's, he leant down and tried to touch James' lips. But James pushed him away with a hand placed onto his chest before their lips connected.

"Make up your mind." James got up from the bed and looked for his boxer briefs on the floor. The morning sunshine lighted his perfect shape and Kendall was amazed by the view. _Damn. _Kendall swallowed one after another as he watched James getting dressed. Every inch of his beautiful body slowly got covered. James defended himself this way. HIding from Kendall to save the energy of trying, but the sadness on his face was not coverable.

"I won't be your sex-toy, Kendall." James continued when he was fully dressed and Kendall still had not said a thing.

"I don't want to use you, I promise. i just need to know if it's good... if it can work..." Kendall mumbled standing up as well and pulling on his own underwear. He could speak before James would have left. "Understand, please, that it's not easy.. I know it isn't for you either. Just let me discover it..."

"Discover what?" James blinked. "Fucking around and enjoying that you are not alone when you wake up? It's about more for me, Kendall. I want it to be more, much more."

"Well, that's how more should start..." Kendall said reaching out for James hand. "I don't want to see you sad, like this. I want to please you and I know this is what you want.." Kendall took a half step back grinning and looking down at himself. Then he snuck back to James. He put a finger under his chin and touched the tip of his nose with his own. They felt their breaths hitting their faces. "I'm just scared I wouldn't be good at giving anything but good sex...or maybe not at that either after a time...and... I don't want to cause you disappointment..."

"Oh Kendall!" James lost it and pulled Kendall in for a hot kiss. He did not hesitate in shoving his tongue down on the blonde's throat, he wanted to hear the same groans he got last night and it was the fastest way to that. AS they were kissing James hand slid down on Kendall's side and into his underwear, he cupped his perfect ass and moaned into the kiss feeling the hot flesh in his hands.

Their hips danced a rough pace against each other. Kendall, even through James' jeans, was able to feel the brunette's growing cock.

They were getting into action deeply again. Kendall unbuttoned James' shirt and revealed his chest. He enjoyed the sight for a bare moment, then returned kissing him and they backed to the bed together. James fell onto it and Kendall was hovering above him in the next second, kissing him roughly, passionately and heading down. He touched James' neck leaving sweet kisses everywhere and went lower, along his chest and stomach not missing an inch of that perfectly delicious skin that James owned.

Kendall stopped at the belt and licked James' navel, soaked the little hair around it with his saliva and held James on the bed with his hands. It was hard for James to stay in place. Kendall's kisses were too hot, his touches were too intense. It was saying so much. So much of nonverbal communication, so much of love and Kendall possibly did not even notice how much he loved James. But his actions made it clear for James. _You must give it to him. Give him the control and the safety. He is unsure because of the lack of his confidence. You need to assure him that he's going to do well._

James' mind kept working as Kendall's tongue went around once again on his chest and ended up near the waistline of his jeans. His erection was uncomfortable underneath the tightly squeezing fabric and he wished Kendall would quickly tear the clothes off to free him and do whatever he wanted.

Kendall started to undo the belt and James felt the relief.

They didn't speak anymore, but they exchanged looks. Kendall shut his mind off and focused on what he was doing and James knew it. That was why he tried to stay at his mind and use the chance to learn more about Kendall, to get to know why Kendall was doing what he actually was.

James saw the need of giving pleasure in the green eyes. He also discovered behind the shining lens the fear. It reaelly was visible that Kendall was scared of doing something wrong and with that failing. But then there was something else, too. The need of being loved and cherished. It was there clearly and Kendall couldn't hide it anymore.

The brunette had known it always. After all everyone wants love and someone to hold, someone to hold onto in happiness and in sorrow, but now Kendall's eyes were begging for James' belief in Kendall. James didn't understand how Kendall could be afraid so much when he already made it clear enough that he had serious intentions of being with him.

It's all that kept Kendall back. The fear that others did not believe in him. James now knew Kendall didn't want to let him in because he was scared so much of his own disbelief in himself. Kendall was scared of receiving love and caring because he didn't know with what he would deserve it.

James sat up and met Kendall in a long kiss. They slowly switched and James placed his finger onto Kendall's lips to mute him before he'd ask what he was doing.

First James got rid of every cloth of his own. His cock gloriously poking up toward his stomach and leaking from pre-cum but it was not time for himself just yet. He ignored his need of a touch on his dick and yanked Kendall's boxers off.

"Damn" The word left Kendall's mouth as he realized what was happening. His breathing got instantly heavier, his chest was falling and rising in a quick pace only by the thought of what was coming.

Kendall could see it perfectly clear.

James licked his lips lubricating them and gathering saliva to his dried mouth, and leant slowly down. Meanwhile he grabbed Kendall's cock. For Kendall it was aching pain, but the most pleasurable when James' fist tightened around the base and then it went agonizingly slowly up not touching the head, then back down.

The brunette was focusing on what he was doing but kept checking Kendall's facial expressions for feedback. He could see that he was doing well, so he comfortably took a seat on Kendall's tighs, then with his other hand he went to stroke his balls. That was when Kendall started groaning quite loudly, his eyes shut and his hands gripped the sheets.

And the rest was still just about to come then.

James took a deep breath and licked his lips once more than leant lower and touched the tip of Kendall's cock. He just lightly kissed it while stilll working with his hand and listening to the satisfied groans of Kendall's. James didn't know he would love this much the feeling of kissing Kendall there, but when he parted his lips and with his tongue he even tasted him, it was an ecstasy. He felt like he did not want to get off Kendall ever. It was so much more better than he ever imagined it would be, and the acknowledge that Kendall loved it as well just made it even better.

Oh and Kendall loved it. He bit on his lip and arched his back off the bed while moving with one hand to James' hair. He pulled on the brunette strands softly and groaned continously as his pleasure started to reach its peak. And James had done only a bit yet.

His hand fastened up the pace on Kendall's shaft, his other hand stimulated his balls, and his mouth stuck on the head of his dick. James sucked on it gently and twirled his tongue sweetly around wanting to feel him, to coat him with his saliva and then licking it back up flavoured with Kendall's taste.

When Kendall pulled a little rougher on his hair James knew it was about to get to an actual end and that was the time when he started to panic. Should he let him come into his mouth? Could he take that all? He was wondering and felt that Kendall was holding back but he didn't stop him. They exchanged a quick look and James made up his mind seeing Kendall's eager eyes.

James wanted it, he loved Kendall's taste and Kendall needed this to happen. Kendall needed to know that James loved everything that he had to offer.

So James fastened up all of his motions, sucked and pumped Kendall till the blonde exploded and his come shot into James' mouth.

James wasn't surprised. It got him in just the right moment and he wasn't disappointed either. Kendall tasted just as amazing as everything that he had already known of him, so it was easy to work him through his climax and squeeze every drop of his pleasure out into his mouth and down on his throat.

He did it with the most pleasure.

For Kendall.

And for himself.

Licking his lips and giving a few last strokes to Kendall's softening dick, James rised and eyed the still heavily breathing Kendall.

His cock ached for attention but he ignored it and hopped off Kendall and next to him into his arms and placing his head onto his chest. Kendall surprised welcomed him and wrapped his arms around him.

"Don't you want..?" Kendall breathed.

"I don't." Was the quick reply and then James kissed Kendall's chest.

"Thank you." Kendall murmured quietly and sweetly caressing James bared skin where he reached.

Kendall felt loved.

Within 24 hours for not the first time he had this feeling and he was amazed by James.

He knew he needed to learn how to accept love wherever it comes from he knew he only had to embrace it and then he wouldn't cause disappointment but could love with his best, too.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: hi :) so far this is the longest chapter I have ever written to this fic, so I kept my word :) I told you I will write longer now..**

**huh.. first, thank you all for reading, reviewing, telling me any way that you like it and wait for more! I love you! Also thank you for being patient! **

**Secondly, I wanna ask you for more patiece.. it's nearly December.. which is my exam period so I will be studying a lot and spend less time with writing.. so you have to wait for my other Kames fic's update some more.. I am sorry.. but if I have some time I like to chill .. and put writing away for a little bit..**

**Third, there is a line, toward the end of this chapter, that I took from "Reflected in you" by Sylvia Day.. originally it's written this way: "_The sky cried for him_,_ the rain coming down hard and angry, steaming off the ground." _**

**Yeah, it's all for now, have fun reading and review, tell me if you like it, come say hi, whatever :)**

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**Chapter 5**

* * *

"And what are you doing today?" James asked Kendall once they were getting out of bed after some cuddling and kissing and a shower together.

"Hmm.." Kendall smiled pulling up a pair of boxer briefs and a shirt, then stepped up to James and put his arms around him. Looking up into his hazel eyes he said, "thought about spending my day with you."

"Oh?" James grinned. He was above happy to have an opportunity with his love. "And what are you planning?"

With a kiss onto the brunette's lips Kendall answered, "I don't exactly know." Then he pulled away and let James get dressed, too. "What would you like to do?"

"I don't know what you'll think about the thing I'd like." James said.

Kendall turned back to him now fully dressed. "I like everything you do, James. What is it?"

"You know how close I am to Carlos.." James sighed finally lowering to the edge of the bed. Kendall sat next to him lifting an arm around his neck and listening to what he was saying. "And now... I know that he's getting very upset because of the band ended... and I want to assure him in the very beginning of this new period of our lives that we won't fall apart... that we'll be friends no matter what."

"Do you think I wouldn't want spending time with my best friends?" Kendall asked placing a soft kiss on to James' forehead. He was treating him with so much love. He loved that James was so caring with his friends, that he didn't want them lose connection. "I love them, I love the thing that we were, that we still are. And I told Carlos that I won't leave him. I'd die first."

Kendall spoke from his heart. He'd have rather died then letting go of his best friends, brothers, bandmates, his life, but he knew that however this was not what he wanted, he probably was going to go. But he was too frightened of losing everything within a blink of an eye if he told that to James right then, right after they somehow had gotten together.

And the other reason of him pretending like changing his mind about leaving was that he hoped that he was going to be able to stay. And as long as he hoped, he promised himself while watching James sleeping in his arms, that he wasn't going to leave all his life behind. He always was the kind of full with hopes and dreams, and goals, and with the ability of handling all kind of situations the best way possible. He knew he would make it, if things would work out the way they seemed they could, he wouldn't leave James and his friends, family.

"I think I love you... I always have..." James whispered resting his head on Kendall's shoulders.

"I know, James, I know. I love you, too." Kendall said caressing James bicep and squeezing it to pull him closer to his chest so he could hug him tightly.

* * *

After a short breakfast meanwhile they discussed that they were gonna get Carlos and Logan to gokarting, they hopped in to Kendall's car and drove off to Logan's house which was the nearest to gokart track, so from then they would go all together. Used to when they can't deal with the stress of their days they just go out and spend their time with insane rounds of races, at the end of the day tired but laughing and happily that they were doing something great together.

"And how are we going to tell it to them?" James asked Kendall as they were getting closer to their destination.

"Tell what?" Kendall raised an eyebrow at him.

James frowned, "us?"

"I don't think they'll make a problem out of it."

"But we still should stay something."

"We'll just go with the moment." Kendall grinned squeezing James' hand.

"I don't really like this "let's live for the moment" lifestyle. It always leads to problems."

"Problems like? Having fun in your life and not being worried about consequences? If I wasn't telling Gustavo to make a boyband just because right at that moment I felt like that, you wouldn't be here.. none of us would be."

James slipped his hand out of Kendall's. "That's not fair that you're pulling that out now."

"But it's true."

"Yeah. And just because suddenly when the company decided to finish BTR you lived for the moment and accepted the first chance that came and are about to leave us all here to play hockey again. And now you're in trouble because you've made that decision too early and wouldn't like to go."

"You've no idea what I think and want, and you have got absolutely no right to tell me if I make my decisions right or wrong. And anyways you started it when you accepted the request of that other producer to start to work on your own album. I accepted the hockey offer because you wanted to leave. So don't tell me that I can't make decisions."

"That was different." James quietly said.

Kendall shook his head, "why was it different?" his voice mirrored his anger.

"I wanted to get out of your life since you were not interested in me, I have always loved you, I told you."

"It wasn't the right thing to do then." Kendall replied.

James shrugged. "What would have been the right thing? Trying to ask you to give us a chance? I did ask you. You pushed me away. And you know what? Till the last night I didn't call the guy back. I told you guys that I am about to accept his offer but I didn't say I will accept it for sure. But when you pushed me away I did it because I instantly thought about you, that you just grabbed the first chance not even asking us. And now you're telling me that it all was my fault. Tell me that the end of the BTR is my fault, as well, just tell me!" James yelled.

"I didn't say that!" Kendall wanted to exceed James' volume. "I just said you have no right to call me to account for not knowing which is the right decision, because you do the same mistakes, all over again!"

"Yeah. I have no right. But you have the right to lie to me, to fuck me, use me and start arguing with me over nothings, like our first kiss, like everything else that I say or do. You have the right to blame me for screwing up BTR, for forcing you to get yourself into something that you don't want to be a part of. Or am I wrong? Do you really wanna go back to hockey or you just wanted to show me that you can get out of my life faster than I can get out of yours?"

"I didn't fuck you for a start, and then it was you starting the argument with taking a note on my lifestyle, it was you who wanted to leave BTR. I just wanted to make it easier for you with being the first one officially leaving! Fuck!"

"Doesn't matter if we fucked or not. We were doing things that we would have never done if it wasn't more than friendship. I would have never let you in if I would have been thinking it for a moment that I can't trust you. I trusted you, and you're telling me that I've got not right of telling you a thing if I don't agree with you. And you again say that you gave up BTR for my good. Nobody asked you to do it!"

Kendall stopped the car before because of his anger he would have lost control of the car. "You knew what you're getting yourself in to."

"I did. I do. But I hoped I can have an effect on you, and even if it comes with causing myself pain sooner or later you'd notice what's going on."

"Can't you see that I'm trying to give it a chance? That I do notice what's going on? I noticed that I missed you and called you and we talked and had a great time and I decided to keep going with this as long as I can. I noticed that you're in love with me, I know I love you myself. But I told you it'd take a lot of time to make a certain decision about staying here. I wanted to leave because I was pissed at you, and also I knew that you were looking for something new, something different than BTR. I didn't want it to be this way. I wanted you to be happy with whatever you wanted to do, and help you."

"But you did it so sudden. I didn't have the time to process it. I didn't see why you wanna leave. I felt angry and signed the contract. Can't you see that all this thing with these sudden decisions ruin our lives? I hate that it's depending on a random moment... when you're just going to choose and it's all. And that's what I don't like. I hate it that I cannot calculate you ... that I've no clue what mood you're in ... I want to be strong and try and help you to make your decision easier, but it's hard when you're doing this. We're trying to help each other and we keep fuck it all up."

Kendall sighed. "I wish I could just say that I'll stay here with you, but if I do say it and then I change my mind it'll be even harder for you to deal with me leaving. It must hang there in the air, otherwise you're going to be living in a dream world."

"So you just want to keep me around as long as it feels good that we're fucking and then you'll just leave. Great." James said and was about to get out of the car but then he thought about Carlos and Logan. Before Kendall could've answered James quickly changed the tone of his voice and said, "drive and let's go to the guys. I won't screw this day for them, too."

"You didn't.." Kendall wanted to take his hand but James pulled away.

"I did. That's why you can't make a decision. You're scared of me screwing it again. As I always do. You're scared of me not being good enough after a while. That's why you don't say you will stay but you won't say that you're leaving either. You want to save me from feeling like crap, from feeling useless shit, but you're late. Because I already know that I won't be enough, ever."

"James..." Kendall tried again feeling guilty because of the fucked up situation.

The brunette didn't answer but stared out of the window so his eyes didn't meet Kendall's.

Kendall, sensing that the conversation was over, started the car and the rest of the drive was silent.

* * *

James got out of the car as it had stopped and rushed toward the entrance of Logan's house. Raindrops hit his face and ran down on his cheeks hooked up with his own tears as he was slowly dragging himself closer to the door._ The sky cried for him, _with him,_ the rain coming down hard and angry, steaming off the ground. _Crying for his broken, impossible relationship with Kendall.

Kendall sighed. He knew James was complicated but he still loved him so much and it was all just exactly the thing that he wanted to avoid with not making a decision yet. He didn't want problems, arguments, just happiness, good times. _In bed.. and out of that... too..._ But obviously this kind of way of handling the situation didn't work.

_Everything happens straight the opposite way than it should._

* * *

The rest of their day went by pretty well. The rain soon stopped so they could get to gokarting. James and Kendall tried to interact the less possible. On purpose they didn't compete against one another, but Kendall went with Logan, and James with Carlos.

It wasn't till they were going back to Logan's house that Carlos asked what was going on. It was a habit of the four of them. They didn't talk behind each others' back, if they noticed that something wasn't right between any of them they waited till they all were together again so they could talk about it.

"So why is this weird atmosphere around you guys?" Carlos' words were echoing in the silent car. Logan was focusing on the driving but with a half eye he looked back at James on the backseat next to Carlos and behind Kendall. He couldn't read anything off his face so he turned to Kendall, but the expression was the same. Both guys were staring out of the window.

They hadn't touched each other all day, they hadn't even talked and they missed the closeness after an entire night of being together. And now when they were so close again in one car, they just wanted to either get the other one kissing them or be the farther possible.

"I think they didn't hear you." Logan said. "They are acting very weird. They loved going together before and today they were splitting apart."

"Yeah, I know, right? I thought I was just over-thinking."

"We're still here." James spoke up.

"Then act like that!" Carlos hit him in the arm and settled back into his seat asking, "What's going on?"

"Ask Kendall!" The brunette answered.

Kendall shrugged. He was listening the whole time, of course, "just had a little misunderstanding."

"That's weird, because you guys haven't talked all day. When did you guys can have a fight?"

"We didn't have a fight." Kendall said coldly.

James rolled his eyes. "I was overreacting something. I started it. It all was my fault. Everything always is my fault. It's my fault that we are here where we are, too."

"Shit, James, shut up!" Carlos undid his seatbelt and moved to James. He pulled him close into a friendly hug. "We've been through that a million times and it's not your fault. It's nobody's fault. It happens to be this way… and even though it hurts, we are moving on. We've got our own ways to walk on from here."

"When did you get to be so optimistic about this topic?" James asked once they were pulling away.

Carlos sighed and exchanged a look with Logan. "I was talking to Logan all night last night. I couldn't sleep.. my mind was working.. I am nervous to start my way on the university.. and the talk with Logan made me see that things happen for a reason. If we just remember how we started it years ago… it was so sudden and yet how much fun we had from it… how much we learnt and how far we came? I'm looking forward to something new now, I know it'll be great if I put myself there, big time!" he winked.

"It's great. I'm happy for you, Carlos. Logan has always got a good effect on you." He smiled at the brunette who was still driving, the rain started it again so he took it slower on the way back. Logan just nodded signaling that he heard the compliment and looked at his friend next to him on the passenger's seat.

The drive for Kendall seemed to be thousandfold longer than it ever had. He hated that he said awful things to his love, he wanted to go back and do everything right. He knew James was saying the truth. He was making bad decision after bad decision. _Maybe I just ought to do as I originally wanted. Leaving James doing what he wants, without me... he wanted to leave because I wasn't willing to give him a chance... he wanted to give up on us… he wanted to give up trying… _ _ I should've let him do so… if I could have stopped myself from calling him yesterday… he would be already getting over me… but no… I am a selfish bastard… screwing up everything and blaming him… making him feeling like I do blame him…_

James and Carlos quietly talked on the backseat, Logan sometimes joined the conversation, but Kendall stayed out of it. He didn't even listen to them anymore. He was deeply lost in his thoughts. He was thinking about what to tell to James, how to explain him everything. How to ask him for forgiveness. Because he didn't want him to stay mad at him. _If I leave, I won't leave with him being angry at me. I must make it up._

Logan parked the car on the ramp. "It's raining very hard. Who wants to stay and have a guys night?" he asked turning to James and Carlos.

"I sure do." Carlos answered. "I hope your neighbor has been taking care of Sydney. I gotta check on her first." He put on his coat and ran toward the mentioned neighbor's house.

"James?" Logan asked.

"I gotta go. Fox is alone at Kendall's house… I still gotta get home from then. Call me a cab." He said and got out of the car, too, not caring with the pouring rain. He stood next to the car watching Carlos playing with his dog on the veranda of the house where Katie, Logan's neighbor lived with her mom.

"Kendall, what's wrong with you and James?"

"Love." Kendall murmured under his breath.

It didn't surprise Logan at all that Kendall said that word. He wasn't thinking for a moment that it was some girl getting in between them, but he knew it was love connecting James and Kendall. It was too obvious to not be noticed for someone as clever as Logan was. But he never asked the guys about it, and didn't talk about it with Carlos either, respecting their rule of not talking about one another behind each others' back.

"Can I help?"

"I don't know. I should figure it out by myself."

"Why when you have friends, too, to help you?"

"I just don't know, Logan, I have never felt like this. I didn't know that loving someone can be this hard. I want it all to be fine for both of us.. but it's like impossible… I can't seem to be able to love."

"That's stupid. Everyone is able to love. You're just saying that because you are unsure… now that you must make a choice you want to tell that to yourself, so it'll be easier for you to leave, if you believe that you weren't meant to love anyways."

"Yeah. Part of me wants to commit anything to push him away, so I just could leave and he could get over me. But I don't want to hurt him, and with not wanting to hurt him, I keep hurting him. I don't want to tell him that I wanna leave, but he knows it, and … ah it's just so so complicated, Logan."

"It's up to you, Kendall. Whatever you decide is the right thing to do. If you listen to your heart. Your heart is always right, bear that in mind."

"Thanks, Loges." Kendall forced a light smile to his face and got out of the car, too. "Let's go, James."

James nodded, waved to Carlos with a smile on his face, then to Logan, too, who was approaching the front door as he made his way to Kendall's car.

"Nah, was Katie taking good care of Syd?" Logan asked watching Kendall pulling out to the road.

Carlos laughed rubbing the dog's skin behind her ear, "Yes, she was. I told her I might need her help other times, too."

"Good. Come on, let's go inside before we get cold."

* * *

"Too bad that the weather is such bad." James said after a couple of minutes being quiet on their way back to Kendall's house.

"Yeah." Kendall murmured. James speaking to him surprised him.

"I wanted to go for a run with Fox." James continued, his voice cold, like he was just telling his do's to an assistant or something. "But now I can't. He'll be upset. So am I, already."

Kendall didn't know what to say. "There was a girl I wanted to call today. She hit me up the other day, we were still on tour, and I told her if things don't happen the way I wish they would, I will call her. But today is not a great day for a date either. I might just lie down in my bed and read something."

"Were you planning to get over me with dating girls after the tour?" Kendall asked swallowing.

"I was. I'll be all right if you leave. I have a couple of other girls to call, too, if it comforts you."

"James.. I know what .."

"No, Kendall, you don't know anything." James looking coldly into Kendall's green eyes said, meanwhile Kendall stopped the car.

"You are just telling me these things to make me leave. You think this is what I want."

"Is it not what you want?" James asked.

The blonde turned away and undid his seatbelt. "Not this way."

"Then how?"

"With you in mind and heart, knowing that you are mine and I am yours."

"What?" the brunette frowned.

Kendall moved closer to James and with putting his arms around his neck he pulled him to his face and with his lips he touched his forehead. "James." He went to kiss his lips. "Please." He kissed him deeper and longer. "Be mine, let me be yours, but let me go, too."

"You…" James couldn't take his eyes off the pair of green staring into his hazels, "you want long distance thing?"

"Yes." Kendall said certainly. "What do you say?"


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: hello darlings :) So here is a new chapter to this little thing.. I'm trying to make it somewhat good .. I like how it's going.. even though I have no clue where it is going lol... I hope you all like it, too.. **

**and be warned, there are some mature content in this chapter, too.. but I guess you all expect that.. and know that it can come anytime since the fic is rated as M.. so yeah**

**thanks for everyone who reviews, favorites, follows, it means a lot if you like my job :)**

**And Merry Christmas and Happy New Year if we wouldn't meet till then :)**

******Much much love! Thanks for being here and read me :)**

* * *

**Chapter 6**

* * *

-Five months later-

It was 5 months ago that Kendall and James decided to start a long distance relationship, and it was only a month after Kendall had left Los Angeles. Because even though he promised he wouldn't go for at least a half year, he couldn't bear passing an opportunity, he wanted to make it, to prove that he was still at his best after missing out on hockey for long years.

He loved James, but hockey was part of him, too and since he was still very young he didn't want to just do something else, not as long as he was able to stand on the ice.

And because James loved him, too, he knew it was going to be the best if he let him go, if he let him walk on his own way.

He let him leave him.

The main reason of it all was the fact that they hadn't been together for a long time, yet, and Kendall was still not fully aware of his feelings.

James knew it was going to be the way it's meant to be.

So he was there, watching Kendall sit into the taxi and leave. And was on the edge of crying the whole time. Because James knew exactly how he felt. He loved Kendall with everything he had.

* * *

"How are you doing, love?" Kendall's voice came through the line, though James was still driving home from a photoshoot he answered his call, wherever he was, whatever he was doing, James always answered.

The reply now was a long sigh. James couldn't actually decide how he was feeling. He wanted to be held, to be loved, to be kissed all night. When they talked to each other and James remembered what he needed, the memories of their long nights came into his mind, all the time. A sudden want for Kendall's touch caught him then, too. He didn't want to tell it to Kendall, to only sadden him and make him feel guilty for putting their just barely starting to form kind of love into such risk. Rather than that he said, "tired."

"I wish I was there to make you feel all good and relaxed." Kendall said, with that only growing the desire in James, and in himself, too.

"So do I." James breathed and parked his car in front of his house, then put his phone off speaker and placed it to his ear. "What have you been doing today?"

"Practice. Season is about to start off." Kendall said and it was noticable when he hopped onto his bed. "I'm tired as fuck. Haven't been like this since we were touring around the country."

"Oh, good old times. I miss them." James answered stepping in to his house and smiled as Fox welcomed him happily jumping up and down. He picked the little puppy up and headed to the bathroom while continued talking. "I didn't know it'll be so hard."

"Hmm, yeah. We're still under the spotlight though." the blonde said remembering the other day when he saw James on the tv. "Like the other day, you were on the tv. You didn't even tell me that you were doing an interview about re-starting your life."

"Yeah." James said starting the water after putting Fox down. He squeezed the phone in between his ear and shoulder as he washed his hands and then dried them with a towel. "I forgot it. You were very excited about getting back to the ice and all... and somehow it just fell out of my mind. What do you think about it?"

"The interview?"

"M-mm, yes." James nodded though Kendal didn't see him, then headed to the kitchen so he could get some food for the barking puppy. "Fox.." He gave him a look and he stopped making noise.

"He doesn't like it if you are not paying attention to him, but to me." Kendall giggled.

"Oh, just shut up." James laughed, "he's just hungry. He loves you."

"I know." Kendall said and heard that Fox was now quiet so he could start telling James what he thought of the interview. "About the interview then. It was great. You looked very hot."

"Not like I do not all the time." James grinned joking.

"Ha-ha, yeah. Yes you do. I'm just saying that because after the interview you sure got a couple of offers from pretty girls."

"I didn't get anything special." He said quietly and waited. He knew he said something in that interview, he was curious what Kendall was thinking about that one thing.

"Most likely it was because of that line you spat out."

"Yeah."

"We didn't talk about it when I left."

"Do you think it was correct? My statement."

"Yeah. Being "highly attracted to someone very important in your life" is a correct form. May I say that, too, if they ask me?"

"Sure. Say whatever feels right." James sighed in relief. He was kind of frightened that Kendall wouldn't take it well.

"You were all freaky because of my possible reaction, huh?"

"Yeah. Kinda. But then let's just forget it. When are you coming back?"

"Soon."

"That's not an answer."

"I think we shouldn't fight every time we talk." Kendall said.

James only sighed once again. "I'm sorry. I know I am terrible. I just miss... miss you so much. Every day more and more... and I didn't want to say it again... but I'm scared that you will find someone better."

"I miss you, too. And do you think I'm not scared of you finding someone?"

"I don't know what to think if it comes to you." James admitted for the millionth time.

"You can be relaxed. I won't find anyone. I'm waiting to get home and be with you."

"Okay. I should go now though. I'm very tired. Been at that photoshoot all day."

"Hmm... any little hints what kind of photos were taken?"

"Just simple photos, with many clothes on." James said falling into bed.

"Still, I can't wait to see them in some fancy magazine."

"Do you keep buying all the shit that I am in?"

"Yeah, I do. I like being informed if they write anything about you. Good or bad. I want to know."

"Hmm, I don't know what to think about that."

"That's not surprising." Kendall laughed. "I let you get your rest now. I feel that you're very tired."

"Okay. Good night baby."

"Good night, James." With that the line was cancelled and both boys dropped out within a minute.

* * *

James was having a break at the studio the following Friday, and Carlos visited him. They were sitting amongst the equipment, drinking a cup of coffee and talking.

"Logan wanted to come, too. But he's doing something. He didn't tell me what." Carlos shrugged and took a sip of his coffee as his eyes fell on the many instruments in the room.

"That's okay." James said sitting down next to him on the couch.

"Yeah." Carlos hummed. "You're very happy that you didn't have to stop doing music, right?"

"It was the thing I've ever wanted. Walking on my own way, alone. It's strange this way, but it's very good also. I can do almost whatever I want." James smiled. "But I miss doing this together, with you all." He added.

"Two months have gone. Insane. Do you remember when we were two months into Big Time Rush? We couldn't believe it. It was like yesterday we were all playing hockey in the school, and then all of a sudden singing, working on an album, on OUR OWN album in LA." He sighed leaning back and calling back the memories. "And now, I can hardly believe it. That life goes on, time flies by, and we're sitting here drinking those moments that remain forever in our minds and hearts."

"Woah. Carlos, theatre has a very good effect on you. You like being there? Studying all that stuff and playing roles? How's that play going that you mentioned the other day?"

"Dude. Too many questions for such late hour." Carlos laughed, so did James even though he was very tired himself. He hadn't notice it that singing, writing songs and music was so tiring. It never was with all of the guys, but it was different now in his own. He got to know a new of being tired. "Well, I love being there. I love all the things I get to study, a new world, dude. It's like.. uh freaking awesome! So many great people, great and talented ones, and they are spending their time to teach us. Woah. I actually feel very honored. And yeah, that play. I happen to have the main character." He smiled shyly. Carlos still couldn't fully believe that the role was his.

"Really? That's huge! Congrats! May I tell Kendall?"

"Sure. If you talk to him again, you may. How's everything going with him by the way?"

"I think he's okay. We didn't talk yesterday. I got home late but I kept my phone on in case of he would call but he didn't. So I just fell asleep. We talk less day by day. But other days we talk very long... so I don't know. I'm not going to say that we're falling apart. It all is happening only because we're both busy, we can work things out. I believe it."

"That's okay, James. To believe, I mean. That doesn't make you anything of those things that you think of yourself at this moment. To believe gives you a kind of strength, makes you stronger, and better, and it gets easier to get over the days. It's okay. Just keep it up."

"I give thanks every day for having such great friends as you are, Carlos. I love you so much."

They met in a friendly hug, which felt amazing for both of them. They both needed to stay in contact to keep going. They knew they wouldn't mind losing everything else but they wouldn't survive losing each other.

* * *

He just then stepped into his flat when his phone rang on the table. Kendall left it there in the morning and didn't have time to go back for it.

"Hi, baby." He pressed the green button and answered James' call then immediately headed to the bedroom and got rid of his clothes on the way as much as he could while listening to his boyfriend talking. He lay onto the bed staring at the ceiling like usually when he was talking to James.

"Hi, love. Before I would forget I gotta tell you that Logan and Carlos send you many greetings and they miss you very much. Then I have great news about Carlos. He got a main character in a play. He's very happy about it, and I can't wait to see him on the stage. He says he loves doing it. You better regret that you're not here to see how tired but yet how happy he's every day after his drama classes."

"I do regret it." Kendall sighed placing his hand onto his bare stomach. "Ask him when the first run will be and I'll see if I can get out of here for a couple of days."

"Are you thinking about visiting us?"

"Why is that so surprising, dear?" Kendall asked.

James fell back in his bed, "I've no clue. Sorry. I just.. uh I'm so glad." He grinned into the dusk of the room. The simple thought of Kendall coming back for only a few days did things to him. "I can't wait. Till we can do... things.. together."

Kendall laughed, and in his laughter he bent his head, his eyes caught something, so he started to laugh even harder.

"What are you laughing at so hard? May I know?" James asked. Hearing Kendall, thinking about him, thinking about him laughing, enjoying himself, and his private jokes, thinking about looking into his green eyes and holding his hands, made James hard in his pj bottoms.

"You're getting hard, right?"

"Yes." He admitted. "But what is funny about that? It's been two months ago that you left and since then it feels like I was on tour again, left to my own hands and nothing else. Not funny at all!"

"Yeah, yeah. I know how much you like me there... everywhere... and as I remembered I looked down and saw that I'm wearing that underwear.. the ones that are your favorites."

"The ones with the green strips?" James swallowed. And pictured Kendall laying in bed wearing only that underwear, waiting for him, and getting hard for him underneath the fabric.

"Yeah. Does it excite you?"

"Uh yes, like you don't know. Fuck." James sighed pushing down his pants and starting to stroke his freeing hard on.

Kendall could hear his groans, he knew what he was doing. Just the same as he was. They groaned in unison rubbing their cocks picturing one another in front of them. "Mmm, baby. I love the thought of you touching yourself for me."

"Mmm.. I love the sound of that." James groaned. "Unf.. fuck.. Kendall... I want you here." The brunette murmured stroking his dick up and down and feeling himself getting closer with each passing second.

"I know, baby. I know. I wanna be there, too and put this inside you.. like our first time... and after that.. remember?"

"Couldn't forget it.. come here and do it.. do it, please.. I need it.. need to have you inside of my tight ass..."

"Ah.. " Kendall shifted in the bed. "That's too much.. mm but go on... I will come very soon..." He breathed and his hand moved on his shaft rapidly.

"Mmm.. baby.. imagine as I wrap my legs around your waist as you pound my ass hard and yet so gentle.. just perfectly as you always do.. it feels so good... it feels amazing.. it feels like it's going to rip me but yet I love it.. can you feel how tightly it squeezes your cock, Kendall... oh.." James moaned his boyfriend's name. He knew it had an intense effect on him so he repeated it several times on the same tone or even sexier.

"Driving me crazy. That's what you're born for." Kendall said taking the air heavily, closing his eyes and arching his back as he was pumping into his fist, as he pictured himself thrusting into James. The brunette's loud moans helped him making the vision even more vivid, he groaned loudly as he reached his orgasm and his come painted his abdomen white.

James knew well the noises that Kendall made when he climaxed, and it was more than enough for him, too, to fall over the edge, he came roughly as well.

For a couple of minutes it was only silence between them. They listened to one another's breathing, they wished they were together, to cuddle, to kiss, to hold each other, to look into one anothers' eyes, to just lie and fall asleep together.

"That was great." Kendall said finally. "Thank you."

James smiled at himself and tossed away the tissues that he used to clean up. "Thank you, too."

"You better go now. It's very late over there." James said after another little pause.

"Lately you're trying to stay away from our long talks. Why, James?"

"I don't think I am.. am I, now?" James yawned getting out of the bed and walking through the rooms to get out to the kitchen for a glass of water. Or something. Something stronger. He only found a bottle of red wine. He poured himself some while Kendall answered.

"I don't know. I just have this feeling. You may hope that if you're staying away it'll be easier or.. I really don't know."

Leaning against the counter with his bare behind James swallowed the wine like it was water, and then said, "it's very hard without you. I love you, Kendall. I fucking love you, despite all that you're doing with leaving me and the guys, and all this fucked up situation, fuck it I love you. And you know I don't think I was staying away. It's you being very busy and so am I. And our time for talks or for anything else gets shorter day by day. Don't blame me for this, too."

The glass quickly filled with another portion of wine after he stopped talking.

Kendall sighed and sat up. He leant against the border and pulled the blanket over his body. It was cold in his room. "I don't blame you. I'm just saying what I feel. You always pull it out on me that I don't talk about what I think and such things. Now, there. I said what I think but I didn't blame you for a moment either. I know you, James. I know that you try to deny it, but it's true. You're pulling away."

"I'm not fucking pulling away!" James nearly yelled into the speaker. "It's you pulling away. Running all the time! Leaving this all behind just so then you don't have to face reality! Did you even hear when I said I love you?!"

"I didn't run anywhere, James. I'm just following my dreams. And I did hear it." He scratched the back of his neck and pulled his own hair. "I love you, too. That's what you wanna hear?"

"Not in this term. It's not right this way. You're saying that only to make sure that I won't stay away, that I'll be here, if you need me."

"You're saying that you weren't doing the same!" Kendall said louder now. "You're doing just the same, and you don't even notice it but throw it into my face every day!"

"I don't know how you mean that." James said quietly and drank more now sitting on the floor in front of the counter, with the bottle of wine in his hands, not even wasting his time and energy to pour the liquid into the glass.

"When we were first "together", yet back on the tour bus, you were the one coming to me. You needed me."

"And you blame me for aching for your fucking closeness?"

"No! I didn't say that!" Kendall replied. "But you pretended like it didn't mean anything. You just later admitted that it did. And it was very awful that way. It was like you just used me for your pleasure, you needed something to hold onto, just like I do now. You did it only to see if we could work. If it would worth it to turn into gay for your best friend. Otherwise you wouldn't even try it."

"What?! You sure are drunk. You don't understand a thing."

"I do, James, I do understand it. And I know that it's hard to be so far from each other, and you don't know if you should stay away or try to pull me close as much as possible."

"That's true. But it's not bad at all. It means that I love you, and am confused and don't know what I should do to make you satisfied, happy and all."

"I know." Kendall said. "But in the last months when we were together, since we have started it, you were willing to do anything only to make sure that I'll stay by your side."

"Is it bad again?" The last drops of the wine flew down on James' throat with the question.

"No. It's not. So you shouldn't question me if I want the same." Kendall's voice grew thinner.

James remained quiet for long minutes and didn't respond, not even when Kendall called his name countless times.

He just sat there naked in the kitchen, thinking about Kendall's words, and the meaning behind them.

"You love me, too." James crying said finally.

With that Kendall blew out a long breath. He already was scared why James was silent. "I do. You idiot. I love you so fucking much. I every day wake up with the sudden need of your touch, your voice, just you. I want you here every minute of my life. If you're around I am happy. If you're away I am instantly sad not knowing where you are, if you are safe, or not. I love you and it kills me that I can't hold you. I every day when this feeling catches me, I wanna go home and never leave you alone. But then it hits me where I am and why I am here, and I get through the day with thinking about the next day when you'll be in my arms again. And when I lie in bed before falling asleep I wish I was there with you again. I wanna go home, again. but then I fall asleep and dream about you, you telling me to stay and make my dreams come true. So I stay. But I love you. I do this all because I love you. You keep me strong. It's been always you. You the big dreamer, who keeps me going all the time, who gives me strength. And you don't even know it, James."

"Holy.."

"I love you, James." Kendall repeated.

James swallowed, "I love you, too. Thank you."

"I gotta thank you. I wouldn't be here without you."

"And I wouldn't be here without you." James laughed.

"Irony of our life." Kendall quietly said. "We'll make it through. If we keep that in mind why we've started it all."

"Okay. Forgive me, please. I'm not that strong as you are. I keep losing track. I keep getting scared of you leaving me forever. And then.. I won't have any more reasons to keep going."

"Shut up. You know you would have. But I won't leave you. I love you. If I'll ever leave you, it'll be to save you from something, to keep you sheltered, or out of my fault. Remember that."

"I will do." James answered.

"And now, get back into your bed and sleep. And don't drink wine."

"How did you..?" James wanted to ask but he then only sighed. "You know me too well."

"You did that often. Went out to drink a bit of wine after sex. You guessed that I was using you only. You hardly could believe that I mean everything that I do. I'm just scared of everything like you. I can't express my feelings very easily, and it may seem like I want to make you stay away. But no. In fact I am always just trying to save you from getting yourself too involved with me. Because I don't really know why you would like to love me."

"Oh.. Kendall." James pushed himsefl up and walked back to the bedroom. "It has no actual reason. Just because it's you. I love you and that's all. Love cannot be explained. It just happens."

"I know now." Kendall said slipping back into sleeping position and setting his blanket on himself. "Are you in bed now again?"

"Yeah." James replied. "Are you?"

"Yes. Good night, love. Remember what I said." Kendall blew a kiss through the phone.

"I love you, Kendall. Good night."

"Good night, James. Love you, too."

They hung up the phone and both fell asleep quickly. They didn't even have time to think everything through. They didn't even want to do so. Not now. Because they knew with too much thinking they could easily ruin everything again.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: new chapter here, and a lot of happening :) I hope you like it, thanks for the reviews, follows, favorites :) apologies for any mistake you may discover in any of the chapters.**

**Much love :) Enjoy Kames!**

* * *

**Chapter 7**

* * *

"I can't believe that you're here." Kendall said stroking James bare back as they were laying in bed facing one another after a hot session of love and lust.

"Neither does a part of me." James laughed kissing Kendall's nose. "And I guess my folks aren't happy about this. But I figured you needed me more than I've ever thought I've needed you."

"When you work for a long time, very hard, to achieve something important, and you fail, it breaks you, always. I indeed need you here now. Need you always but now even more. I can't believe that we didn't make it to the finals. We've had so much work in it James. So much. You know what it's like. You exactly know it, I don't have to explain it. And I was sitting there on the bench in the changing room and was falling into a deep depression. I've wasted so many months, so many days without you, it was insane. I believed we can make it, I can make it. But I failed. I shouldn't have come back. Everyone expected me to win this. And shit. I screwed it. Everyone says I should get back into fooling on the stage."

James pulled Kendall close to his chest. "It will be the way it's meant to be. You have to follow your heart. And because one season didn't end well, it doesn't mean that the next one will be less successful. You were coming back very late. Which is my fault. I kept you back."

"No. Shit." Kendall looked up holding back his tears. "It's not your fault, baby." He kissed the brunette. "I'm just unsure about future. I don't know if I should try the next season. If they want me still."

"I think they do. Plus one defeat is not the end of the world. If they won't let you play anymore than they are stupid."

"I think I'll just go back to LA. Everyone wants me to do that, and well, that would be the best for us, too."

"Don't do something that everyone expects you to. Do something that you want to. Just follow your heart."

"I do follow my heart if I go back with you tomorrow. My heart is with you anyways, always. So if I want to follow it, I gotta be with you."

"Aww." James kissed him deeply and yet ever so softly. "That was the sweetest thing that someone's ever told me."

"Mmm.." Kendall rubbed his nose against James' and whispered, "there is more yet, baby."

"Let me hear it." James murmured accepting the shallow kisses, enjoying Kendall's tongue as it made its way to the brunette's ear.

"I love you so much, James. When we're apart I'm torn into pieces, I can't find my place. Huge part of me always thinks about you, wonders where you might be, what you're doing, what it would be like if we were together." Kendall pulled on James' earlobe as one sentence ended. Then went on. There isn't a single thing that makes me smile if you're not around. I need you like I need air to breathe. We've been together as friends for like forever. I realized that I can't live without you. My dreams have got to be somewhere where you are, too, because I won't live alone anymore. I want to be with you." He bit on his earlobe now. James let out a soft groan. He knew Kendall well enough to know what he was going to say next. "I want to make love to you every time we feel like that." James swallowed, feeling himself getting a hard on again by only the thought of being able to hold Kendall every night. "I want to hold you at nights, in the mornings when we wake together. I want to take my meals with you. I want to go out with you. I want us to live a life together. James, I love you, so, so." He kissed all over his neck, up his jaw, his lips. James locked his arms around his body and held him close, pulled Kendall deeper, dug his fingers in his blonde hair as he welcomed Kendall's tongue in his mouth.

* * *

"Man!" Carlos jumped into Kendall's neck at the airport. "It seems like it's been ages ago!" He told him holding him tight and feeling extremely happy to have Kendall back in town.

Logan and James grinned at one another, with that James let Logan know that everything was better than they had hoped for when James had left to visit Kendall.

"Carlos, let me breathe." Kendall laughed.

Carlos pulled away, "oh sorry, sorry." He kept apologizing. "I'm just so excited. Kendall, I'm so happy, you've no idea how much I've missed you."

"Believe me Carlos, I know what it's like." Kendall said winking at James. They couldn't keep their hands off each other on the way home, Kendall seemed like he never could get enough of his boyfriend.

Then James stepped next to Kendall once again and they wrapped arms around each other.

"Well, Litos, I've heard you are breaking in to the stage of the theatre. How's it going?" Kendall asked and they all made it to the exit and to Logan's car. Logan drove them to Kendall's apartment which he luckily didn't sell so he now could move back in there.

* * *

It took the three of Logan, James and Kendall a while to calm Carlos down after they arrived to the flat and Kendall announced that he wasn't going to leave anymore, that it wasn't just a visit to his friends and beloved boyfriend, but he was moving back.

They decided to throw a little party to celebrate all the good news that Kendall's arriving had brought, both that Kendall stayed with them and that he and James were still together and happy through the long months when thousands of miles had kept them apart.

* * *

Weeks passed and Kendall and James' relationship deepened though outside of their best friends and family nobody knew about the whole thing. They kept everything closely to themselves.

They considered themselves lucky, because they both knew if the world would find out about them it would only harden their life.

But on the other hand they all felt very bad, because doing this came with continuous lies and also they couldn't actually go out together.

James wouldn't have mind it though but Kendall was positive that if they would have been spotted together it would have broken his career.

Which was going pretty well.

It was 4 months ago that Kendall had come back, and finally after 6 months it was time for James to release his first solo album, which was full of love songs written to and about Kendall. And Kendall didn't want all the hard work to lose with such news getting out.

And they fought a lot about this topic. James started to feel like Kendall felt ashamed for being him.

"I just really don't understand why I couldn't tell about us? We're together for so long now, please Kendall, it's killing me to lie to my fans." James plead after they ate dinner together at James' apartment.

"No. James. It's better for you this way. Believe me."

"But why would it be better?" James hopped onto the couch with crossed arms in front of his chest like an upset kid.

Kendall sat next to him. "Look. We shouldn't do this every night. We should just make love and cuddle and talk and enjoy life."

"It would be that way if you finally agreed to reveal our relationship. Who are true fans of mine are going to stay. It doesn't matter at all what they think if they cannot accept me, accept us."

Kendall didn't say anything but stared in front of himself.

"Or are you ashamed of being officially with me?"

"Oh nope!" Kendall turned to him. "Holy.. no.. James, I love you and I would like to scream out that you're my boyfriend and I am yours... but... but I'm afraid of you getting hate because of being with me. Me... who hasn't been able to achieve anything since Big Time Rush."

"Kendall.. my silly baby.." James hugged him and then backing a bit away he touched his soft pinkish lips. "You couldn't help that that fucking hockey team didn't do well. It was not only you in that team, all the others were lame idiots who didn't know how to play in a team. You did your best, everyone knows it. Besides, your life isn't ended there. You can still find something new that will satisfy you. It takes time only."

"You think so?" Kendall asked.

James nodded. "Yes, baby, I do."

"Okay. then." Kendall kissed James then pulling away he sighed. "You can say whatever you want. I don't want you to feel bad because of me. I have never wanted this."

"It wasn't because of you." James started.

Kendall put his finger onto James' lips. "It was. Because you haven't talked about us yet because I asked you to do so. And lying makes you uncomfortable and I don't want that. It was because of me. End of story."

James kissed Kendall's cheek. "Okay. And now." He got onto his feet and holding Kendall's hand he pulled his boyfriend up, too. "Come on."

"Where are we going?" Kendall raised his eyebrows.

"Going out. Like normal couples." James answered winking and kissing Kendall again.

"You're not a normal guy anymore since BTR."

"Please." James squeezed Kendall's ass. "I have never actually been normal."

"Ha-ha" Kendall laughed. "Neither I have. I guess." They met in a kiss again before Kendall said, "okay. Let's go."

* * *

Happens that James and Kendall could watch a movie and eat some more at a good restaurant near to the movie theatre, and they didn't get interrupted once.

"See?" James asked swallowing a bite of his burger.

Kendall got some sandwich which contained less fat and grinned at James. "Yeah, I see. And I wonder how you can eat that at such late hour." His lips stretched into a straight line. He sure couldn't have eaten that.

"I don't know. Okay? I just like eating this. And it doesn't do anything bad, because I work out a lot. i can allow this to myself once time to time."

"Yeah sure." Kendall continued eating.

"But it... mmm" James literally moaned eating his food.

"Enjoying much huh? I wonder if you'll enjoy the meat I have you for tonight as much as you enjoy this."

"Unf.." James put the burger down and swallowed. "You do not do this now. I wanted to ask if you see that nobody even notices that we are together here. Or wherever we are."

"Yeah." Kendall looked around. "But it may be because we haven't kissed since we have left the house."

"But we've been holding hands standing in the row outside of the movies, and when we ordered, and we were whispering into one another's ear and so.. and there is nothing. It's all good. You shouldn't have worried."

"I don't know, James. It may be all calmed now, but tomorrow. ... But you know better. I want you to be happy with whatever you do. If this makes you happy, then okay. I love you, and I do this for you, but I'm still scared of you getting hurt because of me."

"I won't. If anyone tries with that then I'm over with them. Now eat, because I want to get home the sooner the better and taste your meat." James winked at Kendall. "Now don't look at me like that!" James said replying to the weird face that Kendall made. "You started it." He laughed and leant over the desk to kiss him softly.

* * *

The next morning James woke up to the smell of bacon and eggs.

Kendall wasn't in bed already so he knew it must have been him cooking in the kitchen. He searched for his briefs and putting it on he made it down the hallway to where he supposed Kendall was.

He was of course right. Kendall was shaking his hips to some melody he was quietly singing while putting one egg after another to the plates.

"What a sexy chef I have got!" James stepped in and said. Kendall put the frying pan away and opened his arms. Their only boxer briefs covered bodies slid against one another as Kendall wrapped James into a welcoming good morning hug.

"Well" James took a sip of fresh orange juice and started to talk, "any plans for today?"

Kendall shrugged. "Trying to find a job, visiting Carlos at the college, talking to Logan. You? Studio all day?"

"Yeah. We gotta do some last checks if everything's okay with the album. The producers are coming today again to take a last look at what we have."

"It's going to be great." Kendall squeezed his boyfriend's hand.

"Yeah. I hope so. Though Lucy keeps telling me that there is too much of emotions in my songs. That it's gonna be tough to sell them and get people come to concerts for this."

"I don't know why you keep that Lucy bitch around. But really. She seems to ruin all the good things you want to do. I know she kept you from coming to me, too." Kendall chewed his food and grinned in disgust as he remembered of the girl who was James' manager now.

"She's doing a good job, Kendall. She sets me a lot of meetings with my fans, and makes sure that I'm everywhere in the TV, radios, and if the album releases she will be the one organizing everything related to that, too. And if it's going to work the way it is now, then I'll keep her around. I know you don't like her though."

"I just don't like the thought of her being so close to you. I also know that she's been trying to get into your pants." Kendall said. It surprised James that Kendall knew about that incident.

"Carlos told me." Kendall answered the un-asked question. "He told me it accidentally when I was telling him how jealous of I am, because of all these pretty people around you and back then I wasn't here yet. He said that when you got her into your stuff she was all about you, but nothing had happened then either so I shouldn't have been worried. Then I asked him to tell me more. So he told the entire thing. That he visited you in the studio and she was there pushing you against some studio equipment."

"But he also saw that I pushed her away, right?" James asked.

"Of course" Kendall said after taking some juice. "And that was why I didn't bring it up. I trusted you. And I still do. But I don't trust her and the kind of environment where she is from. 'The I can get all I want and I can control everyone I want because I am some cool Hollywood manager of Hollywood and I have so much money that I cannot put it anywhere but into the pretty guys' pants who need some starter for their careers.' So that's why I am worried.

"You said Hollywood twice." James pointed out.

"I know." Kendall sighed. "But really. These people can easily screw your way, James. I know that from my experience. That idiot who supposed to be my manager did more damage than benefit. Even if now it seems like they want good, they often turn out to be your first and worst enemies. And that girl. I can tell by that look in her eyes. She is the daughter of devil."

"You've only met her once. And because she finds me attractive it doesn't mean anything bad. It's natural if people want me, come on I am James Diamond."

"Oh God." Kendall laughed.

They got up from the table and stood close to one another, hands resting on each others' hips. "Just be careful okay?"

"Yes, mom." James kissed the tip of Kendall's nose. "But I really don't know what kind of bad things she could do to me, so no worries."

"We never know." Kendall pulled away shrugging and started to clear the table.

* * *

"Hey Kendall!" Carlos jumped off the stage when he spotted his in-coming friend. "How's it going?"

"Very well, dude, very well. And what about you?" The blonde asked once they separated from a friendly hug.

"I'm great. We're rehearsing for a play now, again. I'm so excited for it, dude. This is the last one before the end of the semester and there is gonna be many producers and theatre managers sitting here in these rows. I hope to get some job for the summer you know? By the way have you found some jobs already?"

"Woah, dude" Kendall laughed. "Always these lots of questions." He shook Carlos' shoulders than sat down in a seat. Carlos settled into one next to him. "I'm excited for you and hope to get some free tickets for the première." He winked. "But then please don't mention the managers. I am very worried because of this Lucy who's working for James. And no I haven't found anything yet. Actually I'm kind of scared of starting anything. I tend to fail in everything I do. You guys are doing so great ... and then here is me.. "

"God, Kendall, worry less. I don't know about Lucy though. She's doing her job very well. James gets more fame day by day and it's due to her, mostly."

"No. It's due to James and his talent."

"But you know how I mean." Carlos hit him in the shoulder.

"Yeah, I do. But they are together so much, too much! And also, I've gone through the contract they've signed and it's not really perfect for James. She's planning something."

"Kendall, if you let James tell the world that you're together than she would may get off him? Plus I really don't think that she wants bad to James, I really do not." Carlos tried calming his friend.

"We've decided to reveal our relationship now. He wants it badly and I couldn't stand seeing him sad for not doing what he wants and lying to everyone. Yesterday we went out together for a late night movies and burgers."

"Woah? That's great! Congratulations for making that decision."

"Yeah, thanks man."

"Don't worry, okay?"

"Okay. Umm may I stay and watch you? I don't have anything to do. I called Logan but he is busy for the day so I can't go to him and I don't really wanna.."

Carlos cut him off before he could have finished, "sure you can stay whenever you want."

Then Carlos' name was shouted.

"Uh, the director calls me. Have fun! See you afterwards?"

"Yes. sure." Kendall nodded and waved Carlos away.

* * *

"James Diamond!" Lucy rushed into the studio yelling after James. "Can you explain this?!" She was beyond angry. She threw a tablet into James' lap with some gossip site opened on it.

There was him and Kendall holding hands in front of the movies and kissing on the street outside of the small restaurant where they got some burgers.

The title read "James Diamond and Kendall Knight (know from boy band Big Time Rush) were spotted holding hands and kissing in public! - are they together or just having some fun to get attention to Diamond's first solo album and Knight's dying career?"

"Lucy, look. I didn't want to do this like .. uh this way. But it happened so now it's there. Yes we're together. And I don't care if rumors now will start. I will stay with him, and I will explain this to everyone once I get a chance."

"You shoud have asked me to find a good way to solve this. You shouldn't just have gone out with him and act like this. This may screw up everything!" Lucy shouted.

James sighed and handed the tablet back to Lucy without reading into it more than the title. "I wanted to do this my own way. It's not about anyone else but us, and I wanted everyone to see that we're a normal couple doing normal things together, and don't announcing our relationship like some big invention. I wanted them to find it out naturally and think about it whatever they want."

"This is still not the right way to do such things. And I didn't even mention that since when you're into guys?"

"Since when do you care?" James shouted to her, too, since she didn't lower her voice either. "I do whatever I want and guess what? If people can't accept this, than it's better that it all got out before the album could have been released. If someone doesn't like it and wouldn't like to listen to me or give money to see or to work with me than fine. I don't need any of this. I only need Kendall. And it is all worth it. Even if I lose all the things I have been working for the last year."

"If the producers step back from releasing your album than you'll pay all the money I've killed into you. Understand?"

"I fucking don't care!" James yelled into her face and stormed out of the room.

* * *

"Hey, what's wrong?" Kendall arriving home saw that James was lying across the couch. He knew it meant something bad.

"You were right about Lucy." He said sitting up and letting Kendall wrapping him into a tight hug.

"Woah. Has she showed off her true colors already?" Kendall was surprised.

James sighed, "yes. Bunch of gossip sites are all over our relationship and she doesn't like it."

"What they say?"

"That doesn't matter now." James said. "But Lucy said if the producers back off and all the work fails I'll have to pay her back everything she's spent on me."

"Well, that's natural if she wants her money. But she should do everything she can to avoid your failure and not threatening you already with such things. I told you she's a bitch." Kendall stroked James' cheek.

"I don't know what to do."

"I think, first we should wait what people think about us." Kendall said.

James groaned. "Yeah. Sure. I'll tweet about this thing. So they can see that we're serious and I won't back off from this." He pulled out his phone and typed in a tweet then showed it to Kendall.

" 'Yes, I'm together with my ex-band mate, Kendall Knight. We're in deep love. Accept it or leave, it's your choice. Love xx J.D.' " Kendall read it. "Sounds good."

James pressed the 'tweet' button and the short declaration was on its way out to the world.

* * *

A week later, after much hate and love arriving to James because of the news, Kendall used his contacts to do something good for James.

He organized a little meet and greet collecting some of his fans who supported James, too, and asking James' stayer fans to be there as much as they can to show the producers that it was worth to release the album.

"Come on! Get out of bed!" Kendall pulled on James legs.

"But I don't want to!" James shouted. "I now don't have anything to do. Please Kendall, leave me alone."

"I can't James, I have a surprise for you."

"Surprisee?" That had James' attention, so he sat up.

"Yes. A surprise. Now take a shower, get some pretty clothes on and get yourself together because we're having something to do for today."

"What is it?" James crawled up against Kendall's chest and tried to seduce him to get an answer.

"I won't tell so don't even try. Just come on and trust me."

"Okay."

* * *

"Why are we coming to the plaza?"

"Because your surprise is here." Kendall said turning in to the parking lot.

"I have no idea what you're doing, Kendall. It all doesn't matter. Lucy won't support me anymore and this way the producers won't want the album."

Kendall didn't answer but got out of the car and so did James.

They soon were up on the second floor and all what James could see from far that there were many people gaining around some stage.

"What is this, Kendall?"

As they got closer Kendall's smile grew. There were more people than he expected, plus he spotted his friend from a popular music TV and journalists, and the fans, the most important people.

When they got into the crowd there were people around James everywhere. They wanted a hug, an autograph, a photo to take, but security kept them separated. Though James wanted to reach out and get into contact with them.

"They are all here for you and I promise there is the entire day to please them." Kendall said smiling widely, and he led James up to the stage. There was a table with autograph cards, and a kind lady on the side with a camera.

"Jennifer." Kendall waved toward her. She smiled back.

"Explain now!" James said.

"I decided to do some job for your Lucy." Kendall started. "This is what she should do in this situation. Get a bunch of people who supports you and is willing to buy your album and go to your concerts, so we can prove to the producers that your album is still worthy. So here we are. This is going to be all over the TV and internet, and I'm sure we will succeed."

"God, Kendall. How did you do this?"

"I have contacts. Very good ones. And I love you. And I won't let that Lucy bitch to ruin you."

That Monday was spent amongst fans, people who loved James and Kendall, too. People who would support them through everything. James now could see that he was loved from everywhere and he got back his confidence that he kinda had lost during the last week when it seemed like he was going to lose his chance to release the album.

"Thank you." James said when they got into Kendall's car after they finished in the mall.

"I'd do anything for you. Would dig up the entire U.S. to find a solution to whatever problem you have." Kendall kissed James and then they headed home in knowledge of full success.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: hello :) a shorter chapter here.. but the story is going toward a near end so I don't really know what to write.. kinda stuck at this point.. but I will update ASAP I promise.. for a last little drama here be prepared... but not now yet.. now some sweet happiness and a new start for one of the characters.. also apologizing for leaving out Carlos and Logan big time... but I may just write a sequel about their life once this story will be finished.. **

**also apologies for any mistakes you may find. and thanks a lot for the reviews and your never ceasing love :)**

* * *

**Chapter 8**

* * *

Things were going quite fine since James carrier had taken off. Kendall was now officially his manager so wherever James had to go Kendall was there with him always as well.

Meanwhile Carlos reached the well deserved success in the theatre, and Logan's studies at the med-school went without any problem, too.

The best in all was the fact that James and Kendall didn't have to hide their relationship anymore. People who accepted them kept supporting them through everything, and they didn't care about the ones who left. They only cared about those who loved them, no matter what.

* * *

It was two years later when all the guys had gathered together to throw a little party for the four of them. Logan finished the school, Carlos was a well known actor of a famous theatre, and James was still in music industry, higher than ever. With Kendall's help.

James felt like it was time to express his gratefulness big time.

So after dinner, a few drinks, and a couple of rounds of video games, James dropped to his knees in front of Kendall as he was sitting on the couch between Logan and Carlos. Carlos just then finished telling some story and all of them were dying from laughter when James got into action and grabbed Kendall's hand with one, and fished in his pocket with the other hand.

Everyone knew what was about to come.

Silence fell on them.

James began to speak slowly. "Kendall." He sighed. "Since we were kids we've known each other. There has been a lot of things that we've been through. Good, and bad. But thank God, mostly good. I've fallen in love with you since forever. I swear I don't remember. But I don't mind that it took us quite a long time to find each other. I know I always understood your reasons of trying to stay away. But then somehow we've grown up to this. Both me, and you, too. And then, here we are. After giving it a chance and letting ourselves wrap around each other, we're together. And I want us to be like this forever. And even above that. I love you. I will always love you. I'd love to give you the whole world, make you happy, whatever it takes. Please, Kendall. Will you marry me?"

"Yes." Kendall smiled at him and his smile only grew when James slid the ring on to his finger. Then he pulled him in and they met in a long kiss. Logan and Carlos both pulled away to give them room, and giggled at one another witnessing their best friends' happiness.

It didn't matter that they couldn't get married yet because of the law, but they could play with the thought, and they could live like a married couple as long as they were allowed to make it official.

* * *

A couple of weeks later when James had a concert one of his guitarist men had broken his arm so he couldn't play. It wasn't till then that Kendall felt an urgent need of going out to the stage.

"James, don't panic!" Kendall laughed shaking his fiancé and kissing the top of his head. "Have you forgotten that I'm playing on guitar?"

"No, of course not!" James said. "But you said you wouldn't pick an instrument up again, because you're afraid of wanting to get back into it all. You were scared that you weren't going to be able to let it go. That's why you haven't even looked at your guitars in a while."

"You don't have to tell me that." Kendall looked down at his feet. "But now we don't have other choice. Those people out there deserve to get the same as all the others at the other stops of the tour. So I'm doing this now." Kendall walked off and asked a member of the staff to get him another shirt which would make it on the stage.

James was more than worried now. Kendall loved playing, singing, doing whatever he did on the stage. But he knew why he was afraid of getting back. He missed making music with his friends too much, and with no opportunity on board he'd get depressed over the fact that there was no one willing to listen to him again. If he played again, he'd feel it all again. He'd want to do it again, and if he wasn't going to get a chance to do it, it was not going to do any good for his soul.

It happened several times that when they were home James would ask him to sing him a song after making love, or just after a tiring day, or anytime. But Kendall always had refused doing it. He didn't want to get involved again. He was afraid of the possible failure, too.

"Don't look at me like that." Kendall said coming back, with the guitar already over his body fixed with the strap.

"Okay." James stepped up to him and kissed him softly. "The fans will go crazy though. Both of us out there." He laughed trying to take his mind off.

"Yes they will. And they will love it!" Kendall cheered. "Come on. It's on!"

* * *

The show went very well, of course the audience loved the performance.

After getting home and settling in to bed James asked Kendall. "How did you feel tonight back on the stage?"

"It was strange. After all these months in the backstage only, you know. But it felt very good. I kinda want to do it again. But I know there is a thin chance for that for me."

"I was afraid of this." James sighed.

"Nah, please don't worry, okay?" Kendall said kissing James. "It's just a little bit of aftermath. But it'll go away. I'm happy where I am now. With you. I don't know if I would like to do music again. Not alone. It's not the same anymore. I don't think so at least. I love being your first man." He winked. "As much as I love playing I wouldn't like it to tear us apart. Just like hockey did a while ago, and see, that didn't do anything good either. I was focusing so hard on that and neglected you and I would not even have wondered if you would have left me. I don't want to risk it again. Being away from you. Even a street away. No. I would be too scared of you giving up on me."

"My silly, silly baby." James caressed his face. "You know I love you through no matter what. I didn't give up on you and I will not, ever. Even when you pushed me away, even when I felt like you're going to use me only. I believed in myself and in you, that you deep inside loved me, too. And see? It worked. We're here. Wherever you go we'll be linked together by our souls. Don't worry. And if you feel like you want to try something new and yet old again, then do it. if this is what your heart wishes."

"I don't really know what it is wishing. You know?" Kendall said kinda sad himself. "When I went back to hockey I thought it was the thing I wanted, then ... it didn't work. I don't know, James. Everything is changing too fast. I wanna do things but then I don't. And mostly, I wanna be with you. I know you've been going through some crap because of me not opening to the kind of relationship we have now. I don't want to cause you more crap."

"You're not going to do such thing. I know. I trust you." James kissed Kendall. "I love you. And we'll get married the sooner we can, to make you remember this always."

"I love you, too." Kendall answered and then wrapped himself up in James' warm arms. It didn't take long for them to fall asleep.

* * *

"But hey. This ain't a good looking outfit. James won't wear it, I know." Kendall shook his head checking some of the newest creations of designers who wanted James to promote their clothes.

Kendall turned on his heels waving off the enthusiastic young fashion professionals, and telling them to bring something better next time. It wasn't till he finished a call and reached to his office that with sending away the earlier tryers, his day was not over yet.

A young woman sat on a chair in front of the door. "Hello." Kendall welcomed her. "Can I help you?"

She stood up and offered her hand while introducing herself. "Katelyn Henderson."

Kendall raised his eyebrows because of the name, he'd heard it somewhere but he didn't say a thing. "Henderson managment." Before she could have said more Kendall was ready with a little speech.

"Oh excuse me Miss Hendersen." He stopped for a second. "But I'm a manager myself and I don't need any more help with James, or with anything else, if that's why you are here for."

"Nah." She shook her head. "Let me tell it. I'm here to offer you a contract for making a full album and start your own carrier as solo singer."

Kendall laughed, but then his laughter flew away. "You're serious." He noticed her stiff facial expression. "But why? I mean... it's been long ago when I stopped singing."

"I know. But I'm quite new to this yet and I thought it would be a great opportunity for both of us to get a name."

"I've heard about you, I guess."

"You might have. I tried working with James, too. But it didn't work for him. He thought I was very inexperienced yet, and as much as he loved the kind of connection we had he told me he'd try with someone else. Then I have heard that he finished with Lucy, and since then it is you who is working with him. But then, is it really what you want? Making sure of his carrier going on its way while you neglect your own dreams?"

"This is something that I like to do." Kendall said pointing out. "I don't mind helping him. It's part of my dreams. Being with him and doing everything for him that I can. I like it. It's an interesting job but I don't have to explain it to you, since you're doing it yourself."

"Right." She nodded. "But you may want to be on the stage again and try yourself. If James could make it, you would do. Would you not? You sure think about it sometimes."

"I do. But it doesn't mean that I want it. It rushes through my mind and it's all. Starting an own carrier would separate us again. I don't want that." Kendall said more than certainly.

She rolled her eyes and pulled out a small paper card. "In case if you change your mind." She turned around and walked away.

Kendall slipped the card into the back pocket of his jeans then went into the office to fix a few calls yet and then he hoped he could go home very soon.

* * *

"So, Katie." James hummed sitting on the couch. "I remember her."

"Why did you send her away?"

"She is very young."

"But smart. I google-d her name. She hasn't had a lot of job yet but what she has been doing that is all good. She has got a sense for organizing all kinds of events and making contacts."

"You want to try it? I gotta look after a new manager for myself then." James said giving back Katie's namecard to Kendall.

His boyfriend shrugged in uncertainty. "I don't want to leave you."

"You can't always be right here with me. I don't need babysitting." James grinned at his boyfriend.

Kendall shook his head. "Come on, it's not like I am babysitting you. But I love being around you all the time and this job.. it's so good. I didn't know I can be so good at something like this. On the other hand I really miss that kind of spotlight... "

"And you've never stopped writing songs, I know."

Kendalll frowned at James. "I've found them the other day when I was looking for a shirt of yours."

"Were you wearing my shirt? I didn't even notice."

"You were out of town preparing something for the tour." James said.

"Oh.. well, do you think they are good enough?"

"They are great. I'd say your best writing ever. It would be a waste if you don't take advantage on the opportunity." James caressed his pale face.

"You inspired all of them." Kendall smiled.

"Aww." James leant forward to kiss Kendall. "Call her. Or someone else who you think you'd trust. But since she's interested already you may work with her easier with someone else who you still have to convince that you're worth a chance to be given."

"Yeah. I'll call her." Kendall touched James' lips once again before rising from the couch and pulling out his phone.

A few minutes later it all was done. Kendall smiled down at James. "We're meeting tomorrow at a studio."

"Come on, let's celebrate." James pulled the blonde toward the bedroom and they got lost in the night and in each other.

None of them knew what tomorrow was going to bring for them, but they were waiting excitedly. James wanted Kendall to succeed, Kendall didn't want to cause disappoinment again.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: hi! I'm very sorry that for me asap updating took this long.. but I have been pretty busy blah blah blah you're still not interested in it so just go and read this new chapter.. I hope you like it and please, pretty please leave me a review or something. please.. and thank you! **

**apologies for any mistake you may find.. enjoy!**

* * *

Chapter 9

* * *

The following few weeks were a hell of a time for both James and Kendall.  
Kendall had started working with Katie Henderson which meant a lot of time spent without James. Meanwhile James had started touring all around the states again, and even though he was happy he missed Kendall like never before.

Somehow they managed getting through two months with seeing each other twice all together. And they hoped soon they'd get some time to be together and they were planning how they were not going to do a thing but lie in bed in each others' arms for weeks.

But it didn't happen that way.

Just when James finished touring, Kendall finished working on his album and it was time for him to go round the country and show the audience again how he could still rock the stage, alone this time, without his lifetime mates and brothers, and fiancé, only with a band in the background.

"I'm glad you got a few days off before heading away." James said after letting go from a kiss in bed with Kendall, though he didn't want to let go ever.

"I know, me too. I'd die without you again for two months. It's gonna be so long." Kendall sighed pulling James just a little closer even if it seemed impossible. They were as close as they could, skin against bare skin, souls together, hearts beating in sync, hearts bleeding cause of the pain of each other's upcoming absence.

"After this I'm so done, Kendall." James' voice was pure disappointment, and even though Kendall could feel it and knew what James was talking about he couldn't squeeze a word out of himself. "I'm tired. I'm 26. I know it's young... so young.. to stop here is crazy.. but it's better this way than one day waking up and realising that nobody ever wants to know about me anymore."

"James, no." Kendall turned on his side to face his love. "Don't do it. We can make it."

"I know. But I want family. We've been talking about it. Kids.. . and all.. " His sad expression nearly broke Kendall's heart.

"This is the reason why I didn't want to start this thing in the first place. I knew I'd be desperate to go on and I also knew that you'd be stopping sooner than I ... I knew this wouldn't work..."

"Don't say that it wouldn't work." James said softly caressing Kendall's face and kissed his lips with the same intensity. "We can make it work if we want to."

"It's not that easy you know."

"Why do you always do this?"

"Why?" Kendall frowned. "Because I always knew this would come with more difficulties than I can take, than we can take."

"You're saying you regret all the past years." James said. He didn't ask, he said it like he was certain, and rolled out of the bed, out of the warm arms, it felt like rolling out of the world.

"I didn't say such thing." Kendall sat up and watched James go to the window and stare out at the rising sun.

James shrugged. "I just don't understand why did you need all of this? Engaging with me, and keeping around the whole time ... was I that good at fucking you?" His tears flew wetting his cheeks but Kendall didn't see it and his voice seemed ever so calmed.

"You know it isn't like that. You're talking about it like it was all natural, like you knew the whole time that we'd get here and you already booked me as a bastard fucker nothing more."

The brunette was silent.

It wasn't true at all.

Yes, he was prepared of something like this happening but not this far into their relationship. It hadn't turned once in his mind that Kendall would do this for so long with him if he only wanted a good fuck in his bed.

But he knew better than that, that if he would stop, Kendall would give up as well. And James didn't want Kendall to give up.

"I'll never understand you, James. I told you I am unable to make this without causing you pain and yet you pushed me into this, and now you're here putting blame on me for something I can't help."

There wasn't a reply from James, all Kendall heard were a few quiet sobs. He stared at James' naked silhouette in the bright morning sunrays highlighted each and every little one detail of his perfect body. Other times by now Kendall would be rock hard, but his heavy heart deflected every ounce of blood in his system. It hurt him badly to see James in pain again.

"I know you, James. I know you're doing this for your stupid reasons, but stop it. Stop for the sake of us! I'll just finish off doing music, _again," _his voice cracked for a bare second, "and we can have the family you want."

James' voice was small like it might have never been before as he spoke. "I'm not letting you stop it, Kendall."

"Don't blame me if things don't work out the way you thought they would then! Don't do this. Just tell me we can make it, and you understand and you don't blame me, and we'll get there someday. I promise."

"I don't blame you. I know it's my fault. But I would've been selfish to keep you from such opportunity. Even if I knew something like this might happen, I couldn't do it, because then you'd be telling me that you couldn't even try it because of me."

Kendall got up from bed and walked behind James. He pressed his flat front against James' back and wrapped his arms around his waist while placing his head onto his broad shoulders. "What should we do then?"

"I can't tell you what _you _should do. I'll never do that again. It's your choice." James breathed slowly and it took a while till he finished.

"I'm unable to make it alone. You know that." Kendall whispered into his ear, then kissed his lobe softly and pulled on it with this teeth causing James let out a quiet groan.

"Seducing me won't help making your decision. You gotta be having a clear head when deciding and not a just-had-a-good-fuck way of thinking." James said but after every third word a moan followed as Kendall kissed him around his ear.

"After all this time you don't know how my mind works." Kendall groaned turning James kissing him roughly. "Just remember." He pushed James back against the wall next to the huge window and kissing a trail down on his chest and abdomen he begged him, "please, help me. Tell me what to do." As the last words left his mouth he took James throbbing erection in and started working on it. He needed to get James tell him something, this way or another.

Kendall wasn't able to make a decision all alone and then deal with the pain in the aftermath.

Because he knew whatever he'd do it wouldn't end other way, but with pain.

One of them needed to step off their dreams' way.


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Dear people who have ever clicked to this fiction. This is the end. There yet will be an epilogue, but nothing more. I don't think so at least. I don't want to drag it. I want you all to be happy about the ending, about the entire story you've been reading. So this is it. I thank you all for reading, for reviewing, for following and favoriting. It was wonderful to enjoy your love. It was worth it to write this story and it was probably my most favorite Kames fiction I have ever written. If you didn't realize it, I tell you now. The meaning of this fiction is to learn that we cannot go anywhere in life without having a talk about our feelings. **Talk always helps. Believe in the power of talk, and help yourself with freeing your thoughts, help yourself as Kendall and James had helped each other through this story...

**thank you..**

* * *

Chapter 10

* * *

"I didn't realize you were having such problems with Kendall." Logan tried to comfort James after another fight he had with his fiancé, the third fight over one weekend to be exact.  
"Things just ... don't fit." James whispered, his tears fell without a stop since he fell in his friends' front door.  
Carlos stepped in to the living room with a glass of water and tissues. "Here you go." He tossed both to his friend and lowered next to him giving a questioning look to Logan but he only shrugged.  
"Guys, I'm sorry .. " James blew his nose then spoke again, "to interrupt you in your house, but I didn't know where to go and I didn't want to stay with him. He is leaving for that damned tour tomorrow, but I couldn't take it anymore. Whatever we talked about it always ended up as a fight, small or big, but we couldn't settle for good."  
"No worries, James." Carlos patted his back. "You better come here than anywhere else and you never interrupt. But don't you worry that now that you are here Kendall might need someone to talk to as well, but he has no one to go to?"  
"Am I very bad if I don't give a fuck what he needs?" James asked letting his gaze rest on Logan first than on Carlos.  
His friends shook their heads. "Of course you're not bad." Logan said. "But you know it's not easy for him either. He asked you what you want him to do, right?"  
James nodded.  
"You said you want him to go."  
A nod again was the reaction from James.  
"You always tell him to go." Carlos continued understanding the trail Logan picked up. "He might feel like you don't even want him to stay that bad if you just tell him to chase his dreams and leave you behind no matter what."  
"Doesn't he see how much it all hurts me?" A sob escaped from James as he asked Carlos.  
"He does, but ... he doesn't know what to do with it. You know that however it was always him the boss and the wise and the clear thinking one out of the four of us, he is so stupid sometimes like we all three are together. He may believe that with you doing all this self destroying shit just want to push him away because you don't believe he would stay if you asked, or I really don't know. Have you asked him to stay? Once?"  
James shook his head as no.  
"See?" Logan talked again. "You need to tell him you want him to stay."  
"It doesn't matter now." James nearly choked on the words.  
"Why?"  
"Carlos, he is leaving tomorrow morning. He can't let his fans down. He promised he would do it, he has a contract and all... so many people depend on him. If I were him I wouldn't cut it either, now, in the last moment, it's pure stupidity. Rude. The whole world would hate him. I can't let this happen."  
"You already stopped with singing, right? No more songs, no more shows." Logan asked, a plan formed in his mind.  
"Yes." James answered wiping his tears from his eyes knowing that look on Logan's face.  
"Go on tour with him. Then you'll tell him you don't ever want him to leave you and it all will work out." Carlos finished again for Logan. They smiled at each other, they loved the way they could think together, like they were one.  
"You guys are too cute with this." James let a short smile take over his face.  
"I know, right?" Carlos giggled and Logan reached out to squeeze his boyfriend's hand.

Kendall sat in his bed wide awake at three in the morning. He wasn't able to close his eyes and think about sleeping at all when he didn't know where James was. He hadn't heard about him for about five hours when he walked out the door after they fought. He knew he probably would be at Carlos and Logan's but he wasn't sure and even if he was there and safe, the situation worried him.  
Just when things started to fall into their place James decided to throw eveything away and with that make life hard for both of them. It wasn't for money, for fame anymore, it was something else. Something else that Kendall feared he wouldn't be able to give James. He knew for sure he wouldn't be able to give it. Family. Happy family. Kids, and all the things that came with that. How on earth he could do that?  
There was that weird feeling in his stomach the whole time since James came up with the settling down thing. It was the same that appeared to cause Kendall problems when he was discovering his sexuality and realized he was more for guys than girls. He felt like it was all wrong and even though he loved James more than his life it saddened him that he wasn't a damned girl to give him kids. Because it was the thing that James wanted. Kendall felt gross and bad for not being able for such.  
He couldn't fix his feelings, it made him sick.  
And then, there was the other thing.  
If James wanted this family with him, so bad with him, then why on earth he didn't ask him to stay? _He is probably hoping I never come back now that he wants family and he can find himself a nice girl who can give him children. But then why did he leave crying again?_  
"AAAAAAAAh." Kendall slid down on the bed looking at the other empty half. "James, please. Come back. We need to fix this."

Somehow, a bit or a lot later, Kendall didn't remember, he fell asleep and the next thing he sensed was the warm sun caressing his face.  
No. It wasn't sun.  
It was a soft hand. He tried hard to take in a long breath and let the so loved scent wander through his entire body. "James." He whispered. "I'm sorry. I'm just so confused."  
"I understand. I try to." James chuckled. He didn't know what he was doing. He spent the night in Carlos and Logan's house and when they brought him back home to Kendall he was told to do as his heart says. This was the thing he heard from he didn't know where, but he believed it was his heart speaking. "I love you Kendall. And I'm upset because of all the confustion we've caused to each other over the years. Me, with wanting fame and money and what not, and then suddenly realizing that it isn't worth a thing if you're not with me and we can't settle down to raise a family. You with wanting to play hockey, then telling me that you didn't want it at all you just didn't want to keep from my dream of being on the stage till I am able to sing. Then letting me love you, then working with me, then making your music again and then now never wanting to stop with it, just always desiring to go and be on the road. I don't understand the whole thing and how we've come so far."  
Kendall turned to face James. He then saw that James was crying. "You're crying." James said. Kendall lifted his hand and indeed his face was wet as well from tears of ... from tears of pure love, nothing else was behind them.  
"You, too." Kendall brushed his thumb on James' cheek.  
"Why is this happening?" The blonde asked after a few minutes of doing nothing but leaning their foreheads against one another's and crying softly.  
"This is life. Difficulties. Tests."  
"Life. We have a life together." Kendall sighed.  
"We do." James opened his eyes.  
"I asked you to spend your life with me."  
"You did." James smiled at the memory.  
Kendall's hand ran to tug on James hair. "I don't want you to walk out of my life like you did the last night. I want you to be with me. I am always afraid of you getting bored and wanting to leave. I didn't expect you to say that you want to settle down and have family. That was the last thing I expected. I always fear that you once just go and chase those crazy dreams of yours."  
"Look who's talking." James laughed quietly. He leaned down again and Eskimo kissed Kendall. "I am always afraid of the same thing. Mainly lately when you ... you're in it again ... you'd just leave one day to live your dream ... "  
"You're my dream."  
"And you're mine."  
"What are we doing then?" Kendall's voice was tiny, James noticed how hard it was for him to fight with the tears again.  
"I don't know. What are you doing?" His finger wiped up the water leaving Kendall's eyes.  
"I know it is stupid ... but I never realized what living with me would mean to you."  
"I don't understand you."  
"You want family. How would we do that?"  
"We'd figure it all out."  
"Surely."  
"Hey." James didn't like the sarcastic tone. "I know we could do it."  
"Is this really what you want, James?"  
"It is. But first of all. I want you. And for that reason, I'm going on tour with you and we will sort the rest out on the way. It's gonna be a long way after all."  
Kendall smiled. "Logan's hand is in it."  
"Yeah, yeah, and so is Carlos'." He laughed. "We have the best friends on this planet."  
"Yes we do." Kendall pulled James close, he squeezed him tigth, he could hardly believe they talked without any of them raising their voice.  
"We'll do this. I know we will. I will help you, you will help me, and our friends will help us in between if we lose track." James said before kissing Kendall so deep and long as they hadn't kissed in a while.


End file.
